choked

I’m choked. I’m known for being honest and open, and with everything that’s been happening lately, I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet. It’s like I can’t find the words to say how I feel, and I don’t want to create more drama than I already have. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I wish I could say what I meant without hurting anyone.

I can feel your relief when I don’t mention him, it feels like you wouldn’t mind if he just disappeared out of my life to become a distant memory. This has been one of the most emotionally mature relationships I’ve been in, and while I consider where this relationship fits in my life I can’t help but consider the strain of feeling uncomfortable both mentioning him and leaving him out of the narrative. I can feel the tension in the room when he’s brought up and I take it as disregard toward one of the most important relationships in my life, someone who’s been my best friend for the last while. When I leave it out of the narrative, say I watched a movie alone, or went to the farmers market alone, the feeling of relief I get from you makes me sad, makes me feel like you’d rather I’d be alone than with someone you feel is wildly inappropriate for me. The irony is, you raised me not to judge, and I feel that’s what you’re doing.

You might wonder why I haven’t really been around lately, or you might chalk it up to me wanting to be alone because of what happened. The truth is, I think you were too truthful with me and you closed the door to me wanting to be honest about what’s going on. I know it’s a typical girl reaction when a guy is hurting your friend to rally against him, and say he was never good enough, and you never really liked him in the first place and I’m so much better than him and I could have any guy I want and you always wondered why I was with him. But I never did, and even though we’re not together, I still respect him. He never treated me badly, never disrespected me. Now, I’m trying to decide if and where he might fit in my life. I don’t think I can explore those options with you, it seems like you slammed the door shut with your condemnation. I’d feel shy about telling you if we got back together. I fell silly talking to you about the details of this process I’m going through. I know you had the best intentions, but I need you to know why I’ve been so M.I.A.

I try to live my life without disregard for others, and without making decisions in isolation without consideration of those people who are important to me. I’m at a loss in this however, and luckily enough I have some other great friends in my life to listen and help, even if at the moment, I’m a blubbering idiot, choked with the thought of trying to elucidate my feelings.

rotten

I'm sad. Very sad. And broke. Very broke. So I can't even assauge my sadness in mindless shopping. Lucky for me I have enough bottles of wine to last me through the week. Lucky? to not think would be. work distracts. slightly. just feeling rotten. to the core.