how much?

I had a thought the other day that if I, in fact, ever want to be a writer, I can’t be consumed with something else in my life. When I’m really in a dark place, I come to the conclusion that this means I can’t be happy or in love and am destined to be a spinster. But maybe that’s not the answer. Maybe, it’s not healthy to be in an all-consuming relationship that blinds you to life. Because, when that fades, what are you left with? And, when it’s all consuming, and everything else in your life is relegated to the back burner, and then all of a sudden it’s gone, that is a deep loss, you stumble as to what to do next, re—establish some things you cherished, fumble on where to go next. I thought love was all about attention, being the centre of someone’s universe, and maybe it is, but maybe it’s an undercurrent, where you’re being yourself, doing your thing and they appreciate it, and love you for it, but don’t smother you with it. It doesn’t feel as visceral, but who says that’s what love is? How much is too much?

in between hello and goodbye

In between Hello and Goodbye there is a place, where ambiguity rules and all future possibilities are clear except for one thing, which one will actually manifest in your life. Choices are one thing, but in relationships you depend on the other person to agree or disagree with your choices and consensus is the future path your life will take. In between Hello and Goodbye can be a tense, anxious place where, you’re like a kid at Christmas and you just can’t wait to find out what you got, but at the same time, you could be disappointed with Santa’s failings. Or, you could get what you wanted and realize it wasn’t what you thought it would be. In between Hello and Goodbye can be a place where everything is possible and you feel you have the whole world in front of you, you’re just waiting for life to start. You never know what you’re building in between Hello and Goodbye. It could be the house of your dreams or a temporary resting stop until you find that place. In between Hello and Goodbye you find out a lot about yourself, something that, no matter how anxious you feel about that place, is something that will only make you stronger, wiser, and closer to where you want to be.

secrets

i've been keeping a lot of secrets lately. this is unusual as I'm known for being really honest, maybe too honest sometimes. maybe they're secrets, or maybe i'm just keeping my cards close to my chest. i don't want to know what people think of my choices lately and i know if I tell them they'll weigh in, and to be honest, I don't care what they say. so i'm keeping lots of secrets. it's driving me a little crazy, but let's call it discretion, and discretion can never be a bad thing.