Monday, June 28, 2010

egg on leg

Standing outside of Ironwood with some boys, waiting for a cab and I feel slimy running down my leg. I look down and it’s been hit. With an egg. As full moons encourage somewhat bizarre events and irrational behaviour, I’m not surprised. A little shocked though. It hurt, swelled up like a goose egg right away and the bits of eggshell made it bleed. Not the type to cry, or whine, or let a car load of shit disturbers ruin my night, we rambled on. Unfortunately we rambled into my shoe breaking; getting asked to leave the bar because, apparently, you can’t only have one shoe at the bar; and an altercation with a chubby, cocky shithead who pirated our cab and then laughed in our faces at what he did. Simultaneously asking the cabbie not to leave and screaming at my date to get back into the cab while he tries to beat the crap out of a shithead is not the ideal ending to a night.

Sunday however, was sunny, lovely, had breakfast with a good friend, went rafting, had gin green apple mango slurpees, finished with a lovely BBQ and slept like the dead. Just enjoyed the day the way Sunday Funday should be enjoyed. The perfect tonic to a relentlessly bizarre Saturday night.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

second day of summer

It's the second day of summer and only the fourth day we've actually had sun to enjoy. With this newfound Vitamin D permeating the air, here are a few things I've been thinking about lately:
  • Is it acceptable to wear fur in the summer with shorts. And would I even want to.

  • How short are too short shorts. How skinny is too skinny.

  • Sangaria.

  • Pool parties and beautiful people, rendering me speechless to discover such an oasis in this city.

  • Green apple mango slurpees with gin.

  • Patios, beermosas and good (old and new) friends.

  • Getting drunk and sleeping with someone really cool on the first date. Where do you go from there?

  • Straw hats.

  • The natural evolution of life: friends one minute, not the next---or slowly degraded without me noticing. Am I over it; evolved to a new era in my life; not feeling the pain; is this weird or normal?

  • Biking. Everywhere.

  • New shag rug. It’s shag-worthy.

  • Golfing on a sunny morning. What other excuse do you have to drink beer before 11 am?
  • Open windows and the birds out back that sound like they kill loads of cats every morning.

  • Brightly colored toes. Because my boots need to hibernate.
  • Taking it easy. Because most things people stress about aren't worth it. Chillax dude!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

to Boobie, understanding, and the wisdom that age brings

Time is such a tricky bastard. Minutes move slow, seconds become indomitable measures of a place where time stands still and then you blink, and years have passed. My sister turned 24 on Friday, but I blinked and somehow my life ran right into today before I could acknowledge it here. So although this is belated, it’s also apropos. I wander around this life aimlessly unless she’s around. She’s a barometer I can measure my crazy against and me hers. My weaknesses are her strengths and I miss that presence in my life, someone who can tell me to get out of my mind and embrace a little more rationality.

The last time we were together, it was a fabulous two weeks in Thailand. I say fabulous, because I know she’s got my back, and we have the exact same idea of what a vacation should be: relaxing, drinking, partying, meeting new people, moderate tourism, the Stones and the Doors, some shopping, wandering like the vagabonds we can’t be anywhere else, and being exactly who we are and who we’ve become, with a few arguments in between. They’re not unpleasant though—‘cause we seem to be reaching to an understanding of who we’ve become since we’ve seen each other last. And we’re passionate people, so it can get heated. But if the goal in life is to just try to understand someone else, it only means that I love her enough to care to want to understand. And although reality dictates we mostly grope in the dark, it’s those moments of enlightenment where you get it, that you realize why you’d strive to that goal. And it’s those moments that I know why I love my sister no matter what. Weaving those moments together, we can only grow stronger. Through the years the fruits of this labour have made me regret the years we spent fighting, but cherish the wisdom that age brings to strive for this understanding, and build a relationship that’s rich with memories and love and comfort and the knowledge that there’s one other person in this world that cares enough to try to understand me and me her. So cheers to our future as the golden girls, living in our twilight years, still striving to understand what this life has meant to us and means as we age - knowing that everything of significance has been our relationships; what we brought to them and what we got out of them. I look forward to it Boobie. Much love.

xoxox

A

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

boys, boys, boys.

The weekend started out innocently enough.

Recovering from a hellish, hectic week with a glass/bottle of wine and a movie on my couch when we got into a text conversation (I'm not telling who texted who first - I'm working on teaching myself self control). I knew he’d been studying like a madman for a big test later this week, but thought with the newfound honesty about our situation, inviting him over to chill out would be no big deal – and don’t worry- I made it sound like no big deal. Which it isn’t really. I’ve lost any expectations for moving in a forward motion with this one. The ball’s in his court now, told me he’d text me the next day, and not surprisingly didn’t.


The next day, went to meet some friends to slam/sample some beers at beer fest. Ran into two boys I knew in Junior High and haven’t seen since. I would estimate the ratio of men to women at this event to be about 4:1. Unfortunately, I also discovered that the ratio of short men to tall men was also 4:1. Two of the former, dressed alike/the same; brown shoes, jeans, navy blue trenchcoat, navy blue button up underneath; struck up a conversation with me. Assuming they were together I felt comfortable and divulged more than I probably should (I NEVER do that;). We talked about sex; they asked me if I’d ever had a threesome. Anyways, one thing led to another, and they wanted my number to set up some type of sexual fantasy that they could probably never live up to. They were also quite shocked that I thought they were partners, and vehemently started defending their manhood by using terms such as ‘gangbangs’ and the like. I’m not fooled. The blonde one with the piercing blue eyes had something on me though---we’ve met, I’m sure of it and so is he, but we have no idea where. Strange. The night ended at a Blackalicious concert; one of the guys who had come with us was puttin down, but I was not picking up, and I gloriously left him when he thought $20 would be too much to see the rap genius. Ran into my ex’s cousin who I’d been friends with for years until he asked me out. Luckily, I don't remember this late into the night.


The texting started early the next day. After a fucking freezing cold 9 holes of golf (a great excuse to drink at 10 am) I started getting texts from I-know-you-from-where? bobsey twin #1, as he continued to ponder where we might know each other from. I suggested we’d hooked up one time and don’t remember, but he thought a brainstorm over some drinks might be a great idea to find out. Meanwhile, the swarthy Italian one with dark chest hair was texting me to suggest the same scenario. I should have known they both would fail on the follow through, and at the end of the night, I-know-you-from-where? bitched out to go to his parents for dinner and fall asleep on the couch with his sweatpants on.


After drinking for a full 24 hours, quitting was not in the cards and I became immersed in a twilight zone inhabited by every boy I’d crushed on/sexed/dated/loved/flirted with. Walking into the pub, I was confronted with a face I’d seen and recognized many times before—but again, no idea how.


“AXEL!!! How are you?” No light of recognition in my eyes, but as he closed in for a hug, I felt comfortable and knew I knew him.
“Don’t you remember?”
“Remember?”
“You know, Whistler, you on the bar, topless?”
I’m as red faced as an obviously shameless girl can be.
“Wait? Were we with the Skate and Party Club? Do you know Dan?” (Dan had been the president of the Skate and Party Club in University and we’d dated briefly).
“Yeah! I’m Shawn, don’t you remember?”
Obviously not, but we caught up and later outside, he gave me one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever received.
“You know, you have a great set,” he says, pointing to my chest. “Perfect nipples,” he muses. “They’ve been seared into my brain ever since. Um humm.” He shakes his head and closes his eyes, remembering.
I’m hoping this is what everyone remembers from that night. And thinking it would be nice if every other guy who’s witnessed me topless has the same memories.


I knew, when I saw him, he would never approach me. He tends not to, in public, unless he’s inebriated. Maybe he never knows what mood I’ll be in - sad, reproachful, happy. He retured to the bar an hour later, after I'd thought he'd left for good, and I bit the bullet and approached him. I hadn’t seen him since our emotion less/filled encounter in December, and since I’d heard he’d had a terrible accident and been in the hospital. I may or may not have cried at the thought of this and my happiness over seeing him all right. Otherwise, it was an easy conversation, too easy. Probably why I don’t go out of my way to initiate, even though I have his phone number, because it just feels so natural, it makes me wonder why we’re not together. And apparently everyone else who sees us together feels the same: his friend was making goo goo eyes at us, the like I haven’t seen since elementary. Moving to another venue left me wanting more, but knowing I couldn’t have it, I wanted to go before I lost control (Like I said, I'm working on this).


Upon arrival, I’m confronted with my dream Jake-Gylenthall-just-came-out-of-the-dumpster-with-hot-moles-on-face-man. I have confirmation his name is, in fact, Lauren. He probably has confirmation that I’m a crazy stalker. It’s really too bad I remember every moment of our first meeting and can regurgitate it with such a dreamy tone. Never say, ‘We’ve met (insert name here)’ to someone who you’ve fleetingly met once, dreamt about ever since, but who clearly does not remember meeting you.


Wrapping my weekend up with the late night calls and texts I should never answer (and didn’t!), the weekend made me wonder if this town is just too small for a shameless romantic like me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Grandma's House

The drive seemed to take forever when we were kids, other then when we could sleep, the landscape so similar, linear; soft lines layered yellow and green then blue with soft white clouds as far as the eye could see. The prospect of being there always seemed so close; one field after the next, this one could be the last before we get there, or this one. When we’d finally turn left after Raymore, the monologue of landscape suddenly became a dialogue. Over the train tracks, the furthest we’d go out of town as kids… past the graveyard, where Grandpa is, the only place he’s ever been since we’ve been alive…right at the imposing church where Grandma would go everyday and we’d be expected on Sundays…past Grandma’s garden which comprised of her entire backyard…and finally at the corner of 1st Ave and Queen Street: Grandma’s House.

The streets were usually empty, but we’d known, we’d heard, we could feel the past there. Stories of kids riding their bikes, playing kick the can, stealing chocolate bars from the store. We could imagine the instant playground the vast green fields would make with kids being shooed out of the house on a hot summer day. Playing hide and seek in the tall grass, finding a swimming hole, flattening pennies on the train tracks.

The basement was a scary place as kids; we’d imagine ghosts playing the old, out-of-tune piano and run up the stairs as fast as we could if Grandma had us go down for a jar of preserves. When we got older, we'd wonder if teens played spin the bottle down there, or young girls played with makeup and gossiped. We found old dolls, played with antique toys, and imagined what it would be like to grow up back when Mom did or Auntie did.

Days, weeks were spent with Grandma, making buns, watching Young & the Restless at dinner time (the big meal of the day out in the prairies) eating cabbage rolls, pickled beets, the warm buns from the oven, sometimes canned peaches for dessert, sometimes butterscotch pudding, warm with the skin on top. We’d be out in the garden picking ice cream pails full of raspberries, staining our hands red, trying to avoid the prickly stems. Helping Grandma with the laundry, putting it on the line, watching it fly in the wind. Grandma would give us money to go down to the store and buy ourselves a dilly bar or a fudgesicle or some five cent candies, sometimes she’d ask us to pick up some milk too, and put it on her tab.

It was a quiet oasis, sometimes too quiet for us kids, but a place where summer seemed to last forever, and the simpler things were what made the day run; mealtimes were pivotal points, the preparation before and the cleanup afterwards; a walk down to the store was a treat, complete with ice cream and candy; Church was the social event of the week; and most of our food was provided by Grandma’s abundant garden and unrivalled cooking.


A place where complicated was so much less so, and the quiet is punctuated by the train coming through town, Grandma’s House will always be there to me.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

hi Sunday, can I have my mind back?

Something happened to me early Sunday morning. Maybe it happened before then and I didn’t notice. It was a definite shift, in my perception, that brings me outside myself to look and wonder: Have I lost my mind?

Woke up at an ungodly hour Sunday morning (after sleeping only 2 hours) with a headache and not even wondering what/why things had happened the way they did the night before. This is unusual. I’m an extremely analytic person and you would think I would need to dissect every inch of that night. But no. Just went back to sleep and hoped I COULD sleep.


When we finally decided what was going to go down that day, I was scattered, probably because I was still wondering what the hell was going on. Lost my keys in my house, had to leave without them, and went off the grid and turned off my phone. It was like going on a mini vacation, where I HAD LOST MY MIND. Probably exacerbated by my lack of sleep, ingestion of substances, and the parallel universe I had found myself in.


This has happened before, but I wasn’t feeling this way afterwards. I don’t even want to guess motives, or try to figure out what happened. I’m just letting it be. I still haven’t gotten my brain back to process it anyways.


Found my keys the next day in my washing machine. Still no brain.