r.e.s.p.e.c.t

You won’t get respect if you don’t earn it. I’ve always wondered ‘why?’ is he treating me this way, or why are they doing this to me. It’s because they can, because I let them. No more. I’m learning (love getting old!).

Got a 2 a.m. text from the ex asking if he could come over. Sure, we’d been texting earlier in the night. But I hadn’t heard from him in days before that. Nothing. And that was after we had had a pretty mind blowing hookup. I was mad. Mad at myself for letting him make me feel that way again. I wrote a million notes in my head to him, telling him, your double standard isn’t fair (as in, when you want it, it’s okay, but when I do, he’s never available/says no), you don’t treat me the way you should. I never thought I’d hear from him again. But I did. I keep my tone neutral, didn’t commit to anything. Then he bragged about being out and I didn’t respond. Then the 2 a.m text.

This morning, I thought I could maybe just leave it and he’d feel bad. But, I also don’t think he’s emotionally evolved enough to make his own realization to that conclusion. So, I wrote him the following:

Hey- I did get your text last night – and I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but it made me feel like an afterthought. Don’t get me wrong, I really like hanging out with you- but when you want a late night after I haven’t heard from you for a couple of days…..it just doesn’t feel nice.

He apologized, said it wasn’t very respectful of him.

And that’s earning respect; communicating how their actions made you feel and that you’re not tolerating it. A response that isn’t catty or presumptive, just clear and straightforward, with a bit of padding for (his) pride’s sake.

I’m proud of myself for doing this. That’s for sure.

not happening

Things I refuse to do (now that I'm old;):
Feel guilt
Compromise me for him or you
Worry about conclusions other people have come to
Apologize for things that I shouldn't be sorry for (see 'feel guilt' above)

how much?

I had a thought the other day that if I, in fact, ever want to be a writer, I can’t be consumed with something else in my life. When I’m really in a dark place, I come to the conclusion that this means I can’t be happy or in love and am destined to be a spinster. But maybe that’s not the answer. Maybe, it’s not healthy to be in an all-consuming relationship that blinds you to life. Because, when that fades, what are you left with? And, when it’s all consuming, and everything else in your life is relegated to the back burner, and then all of a sudden it’s gone, that is a deep loss, you stumble as to what to do next, re—establish some things you cherished, fumble on where to go next. I thought love was all about attention, being the centre of someone’s universe, and maybe it is, but maybe it’s an undercurrent, where you’re being yourself, doing your thing and they appreciate it, and love you for it, but don’t smother you with it. It doesn’t feel as visceral, but who says that’s what love is? How much is too much?

in between hello and goodbye

In between Hello and Goodbye there is a place, where ambiguity rules and all future possibilities are clear except for one thing, which one will actually manifest in your life. Choices are one thing, but in relationships you depend on the other person to agree or disagree with your choices and consensus is the future path your life will take. In between Hello and Goodbye can be a tense, anxious place where, you’re like a kid at Christmas and you just can’t wait to find out what you got, but at the same time, you could be disappointed with Santa’s failings. Or, you could get what you wanted and realize it wasn’t what you thought it would be. In between Hello and Goodbye can be a place where everything is possible and you feel you have the whole world in front of you, you’re just waiting for life to start. You never know what you’re building in between Hello and Goodbye. It could be the house of your dreams or a temporary resting stop until you find that place. In between Hello and Goodbye you find out a lot about yourself, something that, no matter how anxious you feel about that place, is something that will only make you stronger, wiser, and closer to where you want to be.

secrets

i've been keeping a lot of secrets lately. this is unusual as I'm known for being really honest, maybe too honest sometimes. maybe they're secrets, or maybe i'm just keeping my cards close to my chest. i don't want to know what people think of my choices lately and i know if I tell them they'll weigh in, and to be honest, I don't care what they say. so i'm keeping lots of secrets. it's driving me a little crazy, but let's call it discretion, and discretion can never be a bad thing.

choked

I’m choked. I’m known for being honest and open, and with everything that’s been happening lately, I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet. It’s like I can’t find the words to say how I feel, and I don’t want to create more drama than I already have. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I wish I could say what I meant without hurting anyone.

I can feel your relief when I don’t mention him, it feels like you wouldn’t mind if he just disappeared out of my life to become a distant memory. This has been one of the most emotionally mature relationships I’ve been in, and while I consider where this relationship fits in my life I can’t help but consider the strain of feeling uncomfortable both mentioning him and leaving him out of the narrative. I can feel the tension in the room when he’s brought up and I take it as disregard toward one of the most important relationships in my life, someone who’s been my best friend for the last while. When I leave it out of the narrative, say I watched a movie alone, or went to the farmers market alone, the feeling of relief I get from you makes me sad, makes me feel like you’d rather I’d be alone than with someone you feel is wildly inappropriate for me. The irony is, you raised me not to judge, and I feel that’s what you’re doing.

You might wonder why I haven’t really been around lately, or you might chalk it up to me wanting to be alone because of what happened. The truth is, I think you were too truthful with me and you closed the door to me wanting to be honest about what’s going on. I know it’s a typical girl reaction when a guy is hurting your friend to rally against him, and say he was never good enough, and you never really liked him in the first place and I’m so much better than him and I could have any guy I want and you always wondered why I was with him. But I never did, and even though we’re not together, I still respect him. He never treated me badly, never disrespected me. Now, I’m trying to decide if and where he might fit in my life. I don’t think I can explore those options with you, it seems like you slammed the door shut with your condemnation. I’d feel shy about telling you if we got back together. I fell silly talking to you about the details of this process I’m going through. I know you had the best intentions, but I need you to know why I’ve been so M.I.A.

I try to live my life without disregard for others, and without making decisions in isolation without consideration of those people who are important to me. I’m at a loss in this however, and luckily enough I have some other great friends in my life to listen and help, even if at the moment, I’m a blubbering idiot, choked with the thought of trying to elucidate my feelings.

rotten

I'm sad. Very sad. And broke. Very broke. So I can't even assauge my sadness in mindless shopping. Lucky for me I have enough bottles of wine to last me through the week. Lucky? to not think would be. work distracts. slightly. just feeling rotten. to the core.