way past the smile

I should’ve never even agreed to go out with him. When I showed up at the pub we had designated – which was on the bus route, because he was sans ‘whip’- he said he was surprised I had even shown up. When we’d met, my colleague, who was also there at the time, said, “That’s the kind of guy you have fun with. Not a long term investment.” The 24 year old reminded me of every mistake I’ve made when choosing who to date. I quickly learned, as he was quite frank with me, that in addition to being ride-less, he was home-less, jobless and re-evaluating his dreams of becoming a pro-skateboarder post-severe knee injury. He adimitted, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. Then he smiled, that brillant, beautiful grin that I was attracted to in the first place. But I wasn’t dazzled. The things he had going on his life weren’t something I wanted to tackle anymore in mine. Or support, for that matter. I always saw the good in a ‘fixer-upper’ and tried to be supportive, and tirelessly so. This time, I wasn’t willing. Or, ever again for that matter. Not sure how to abbreviate the date after he told me it was, “The best time he’s had in 5 months.” I suggested a busier bar, which entailed more drinks, which most likely gave him the wrong impression. One beer in, he asked, “Can I sleep on your couch tonight? My friend’s parents [where he was temporarily staying] live in the suburbs and I have to take the bus home now if I’m going to make it.” I had no words. I have no words now. I panicked. My mind raced, wondering what I was going to do to get out of this situation. I told him I ‘wasn’t like that’ and ‘couldn’t do that’. He said, “okay, I hope you didn’t take that the wrong way”. Not sure which way one should take that question on a first date… He ran into some buddies and I frantically texted my bestie to ask what I should do. ‘Act really drunk starting now, go to the bathroom and sneak out the back door’. Something my over-willingess to be ‘nice’ to everyone would have never allowed me to fathom. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even sneak out the back door. He was chatting with his friends, I grabbed my bag, and walked out of the front door, flagged a cab and laid in the back seat for fear he’d see me leaving. Totally irrational, considering he’d notice I’d left the minute (or several minutes) he got back to the table. This is probably one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. I felt guilty for the first 12 hours, but old habits die hard, and obviously they don’t work in my case. So I did something wildly different. I bet – actually, I guarantee, I’m better off without that in my life.