the guilt spiral

Usually on sunday, after a long weekend of sinning, the guilt spiral comes calling. Visual snatchets of bad behavior while intoxicated, or messy hookups are rampant in my thoughts, and I can't stop feeling bad about it. This weekend however, the guilt spiral has moved to today. Because I woke up drunk this morning, and now I can relive what I did last night. Basically there was cards, scotch, a good friend and a surprise ending. And the surprise ending wasn't actually a surprise, because I could see it coming, like a raging freight train, and naively thought I could stop it. No matter, the eventuality has happened, and now, I'm sure the guilt spiral will slowly subside as my body slowly reverts to sobriety.

There is one guilt sprial that has been weighing on me for over a year. 'Ronnie' was my manager at a previous job, and our connection was undeniable. He was several decades older than me and was blessed with premature balding and a short stature, but was punctuated by lively green eyes and a seriously cheerful disposition. Like a happy little elf. His bad days never really showed, but I knew they were becoming more of a habit. We could talk forever, about everything, and most important, about those things you think about but never say. I loved him and he loved me and we told each other. Then one night, I went over to his place after being out with some friends. I was quite tipsy, but I thought I knew what kind of situation I was walking in to. I mean I was aware that he wanted to be with me, but he knew that I didn't ever want to be with him in that way. There was drugs and music and dancing and things happened that shocked me, and I don't ever speak about it (until I wrote about it today). Ronnie has since gone to AA and has been sober for a while. But it was a dark night for both of us, and I lost a friend that I loved. I have a hard time even speaking to him on the phone. I know it's not his fault- it's both of ours- but I just don't want to think about what happened, and speaking to him brings back a lot of memories.

Guilt spirals can be short lived or enduring, but what would life be without them. Boring.
So, to slightly alieve some spiral action today, three things I am grateful for this weekend:
1. Good talks with good friends.
2. A really good sweat session Saturday- probably needed.
3. Beating the pants off of my friend last night in crib.