near death

a harrowing experience skidding out on black ice and thankfully landing on powder lead my racing thoughts many places. i wouldn't say i saw my life flashing before my eyes, but perhaps it's because i wasn't physiologically near death - my brain just thought that was the logical conclusion to the train of events. i did think about:

• wanting to die instantly. had just visited an ICU that morning, and didn't want to end up a vegetable on a ventilator. didn't want my family to have to experience that either.


• the last time I got laid. about a week prior. an impromptu reunion with someone I was with for a long while when I was younger - was intense, passionate, comfortable; nice. I was good with that as a last experience.


• my best friend who's mad at me right now. wondering if she still would be if I died.


• feeling happy that I've lived my life pretty much the way I've wanted to thus far, and never shorted myself on experience or opportunity. sometimes it meant pretending/acting like I was a rock star, but who gives up pretending at any age, it's fun. i was happy i've had fun.

Once we were out of the black, as it were, my nerves were shot and call me an alchoholic, but i just wanted my brain to be numb, and with the preponderance of alchohol purchased for the trip, I figured why not get drunk. Apparently I was the only one with such urges, but thinking that every car that might come around the corner might hit us as we waited for the tow truck was too much for me. You would think that racing thoughts might end once the danger was no longer imminent, but I keep thinking about life in a different way now. I know it makes me see things differently, and I hope my new perspective leads to more positives in my life.