I’ve never really been a ‘joiner’. Even when I was in choir in high school, or within my friend group, I always wanted to participate in the bare minimum to continue to be part of that community. I think I was protecting myself, my independence, for fear that I might become one of ‘the group’. It’s something many high school kids covet; that sense of belonging, an implicit invitation to all that goes on within the group and, perhaps, one day, to be the focal point of that community. It’s the attention, the drama, the soap opera, that keeps things interesting. But, I had been burned before, when I was much younger, and naïve; believing that people wouldn’t hurt others over politics, popularity, or to gain self-worth.
So, by high school, I made friends easily, but friends of all stripes, from different groups, and kept them at a distance. It gave me the autonomy to do what I wanted, without the implicit expectation that one group would rule me, or cause me to have to play politics to be the top dog. I never wanted to be a leader, but I never wanted to be a follower either. I wanted to be myself, and if people liked me for that, a friendship was possible.
It also burned me too, because I was so intent on being independent and doing my own thing, that when I ended up being self destructive, I easily eliminated the fragile ties one by one.
Back to square one, and luckily, in a new environment, with older, more mature people. It’s not that there weren’t some moments where the ugliness that people manifest when they want to belong or enlarge their sense of self worth within the group didn’t occur; but the playing field was different. In University, you’re not forced to see the same people everyday and participate in those daily group rituals of having someone to have lunch with, etc…. You choose who you want to have lunch with, if you want to have lunch with anyone, that is. That sense of choosing to belong because you want to, not because you have to, was freeing. You realize that you can choose your friends, and those who want to belong choose with whom, whether there is an implicit hierarchy (and therefore game playing required), or not. I chose friends who liked me for being myself and respected my independence as I did theirs. These friends, this community I found, even when I moved away, still supports me.
Psychologists say that socialization in adults occurs when they move into a significantly different environment and must learn a new set of behaviours. I think this occurs most acutely when you start working in ‘the real world’. Finding a community in an environment with people who have varying values and backgrounds and ages can be challenging, and isolating in the beginning; especially when having a foothold in the community can reflect on your job security and therefore lifestyle, as well as many other aspects of the place you spend up to 8 hours a day. Moving back to the city where I had cut ties with most people I had any sense of community with before I left for university made it the loneliest point of my life. The only community I felt a part of was with my family and they are (pretty much) an implicit community.
I’ve realized, that over time, I have established myself at work, have some trusted contacts and am part of a community (it only took three years). I have friends I can talk to about work issues, and some about both work and life stuff, revelations that show trust and intimacy and reassure me of both great friendships and acquaintances. Outside of the office, I’ve discovered people who have similar demands on their lives and are at a similar place in their lives. This means that after work drinks don’t happen till 7 and we don’t always have time to do everything together and we have other friends, but the sense of community remains. Finding a community where independence is valued and ‘joining’ is not required has made me feel less alone in the jungle, and less like the fringe player I was in high school.
