left to remember, not relive

When you’re not around, I can forget. I can forget about how, when we were together, I felt understood but at the same time, I wanted you to know everything inside, even though I knew you did, without speaking. The intensity of that feeling never wavered, it just faded and so did the memory when you left. The moment I saw you that memory took my breath away, and the feeling came back like an explosion of bright lights in my brain. The reaction is physical. It’s visceral. I remember immediately. People around us notice - I can't hide it. I can't shake it. But I have to leave it. So I did right this time. I walked away as hard as it was. Better left for us to remember, not relive.

on friendship

I’ve always thought friendship was a two way street. Growing up, my sister and I were taught that you get in what you put out. I did have a friend who commented that I expect a lot from my friends, but she acknowledged that I expect a lot from myself too, so it seemed fair, that I should maybe be more patient and flexible with both. I’ve been working on it for a while now, and I feel I just let things go more easily. On Monday night, I wanted to accomplish all these things after work. Instead I downed half a bottle of wine and ate dinner in front of the TV, read my book in bed and was asleep by 9. Instead of beating myself up about it, I let it go. And with friends, sometimes it’s not worth it. If they can’t make it to your birthday or they can’t make it out one night, it doesn’t mean you’re not friends. There are some things though that need to be reciprocal, that have bothered me with some friends lately, and I decided to do an experiment. Instead of always planning, and asking them to do things all the time, I left it. Just to see if they’d reciprocate with an invite, or drop me a line to hang out. Guess what. They didn’t. It took almost a month. But I’ve decided (2012), that I’m not going to stress about it. It’s their choice what kind of friends we are (weekly, monthly, bi-monthly), and I’m not going to push it. I have friends who want to see me every week, or talk to me every day, and I’m not going to bend over backwards to try to organize everything all the time. Friendships are like relationships, and you have to be able to communicate and reciprocate. I believe that when something is bothering you, and bothering you enough, it’s worth it to get it out on the table. Some people would rather be passive aggressive about it, but I had no qualms, before Christmas, to tell a friend, that just because she had a boyfriend, I didn’t think it negated our friendship, nor was an excuse not to spend time on it. She may have disagreed. Boys seem to sometimes cause girls to re-evaluate their priorities. But I believe, if and, when relationships end, you should still have friends. And even more so, you need friends when you’re in a relationship. My girlfriend and I had this conversation just before Christmas, “Should your significant other be your be all end all and need to know everything about you?” Both of our answers were no, but I’ve been surprised to find many of my girlfriends, who I thought to be very independent ladies, get into a relationship and everything goes flying out the window in favor of him. I get it, I get the honeymoon phase, but everything in moderation, and sometimes learning to balance can be one of life’s greatest challenges. In favor of not killing every relationship with high expectations (2012), I’ve just chosen to put energy where it’s coming back to me, and that’s in those reciprocal relationships, where the other person puts in the same energy I choose to in relationships. It’s that simple.

false starts

2012. January. It’s that time of the year, where traditionally, people start reflecting on what they want the year to bring, what they want to accomplish, things they want to change. This post is not about that crap. I did have a resolution, and it was to be nicer. Not that I think I’m not a nice person, but I’m sure sometimes I’m a little too straightforward for people and I should try a little padding in my responses/I suck at flirting for this same reason. I would say I’ve been doing okay on this, except for the comment a co worker made on Friday after a conference call with some difficult clients where I ‘nicely’ had to ask for the same thing twice.

“How do you interact with your friends and you know, boyfriends?” he asked.

I didn’t even get into the boyfriend thing, because, as much as I am straightforward, I also like to avoid conflict and so basically, I have to work on communication, consciously. I also was told by a friend earlier this year, after she saw a text repartee between me and an ‘interest’, that I don’t know how to flirt. This could very well be true. The colleague told me I could take a page from his wife’s book on making a guy feel important, when really they’re not. “She runs the show, but makes me feel like I’m in charge,” he said. This seems slightly antiquated, but in truth all of these items seem to boil down to the same thing. I don’t put out the impression that I need anyone, and sometimes, people need to feel needed, or at least that you care enough to chat with them.

So the ‘interest’ turned out to be either incredibly stupid or mentally fucked. Either way I won’t be touching that with a ten foot pole (see, I’m learning!). He messaged me and then we started texting for the last two weeks, I asked him for beers finally, since he never seemed to be able to get there (just the tip please!) and he couldn’t make it but asked me to come to meet him at our local watering hole the next night. After making out for me and letting me know he’s been wanting to kiss me ever since he met me, he proceeded to talk to some other girl, then I told him I was leaving, he said he wanted to come, then he proceeded to be locked in a conversation with this girl until I left in disgust. The next day after I told him he was an idiot and a dick over text, he said; “It was great seeing you last night”. WHAT?

Then there was the guy I picked up on the street (redux guy in parking lot at Rose and Crown). Asking me why cool girls always fall for the emotionally unavailable idiots. He was right. It’s true. So true. I’m thinking false starts are just the start of my 2012 learning curve. It’s better than jumping into something destined to fail and mess you up for the chance to have a good start.