dirt collects in
my shoes
wind blows, gusts, swirls,
gritty on
my face.

the torrent disturbs
everything: little things; giant, grizzled
monoliths, but
storms of grime and filth
don't blow me over.
I've been here for too long.

i didn't even know what it was i needed

your words swayed me
your patience soothes me
you kindness surprises [a jaded girl like] me
your gentleness touches
me just
the way I need

the 'oh no no' list

Once, I broke up with someone because I couldn’t fathom letting him kiss me. I really liked him, loved hanging out with him, but I just couldn’t imagine that type of physical intimacy with him. That’s a deal-breaker. It’s not just a turn off, it’s the reason you wouldn’t want to be with them, sooner or later.

Last week, during my date and ditch, the 24 year old went on and on about how he didn’t have a job, or a home, or a car , etc… So naturally, I expected I would be paying for the beers we were drinking whilst he described how down and out he was. Surprisingly, he wanted to throw down half, and I let him. Then he told me his cousin lent him $100 so he could come out with me, and ‘we should get drunk’. Really? Then what? I would call this a deal breaker. However, it wouldn’t have been 5 years ago. I realized that some deal breakers I consider now were things I found endearing, or, at least, not worthy of dwelling on when I was younger. And some deal breakers I had when I was younger, are now, no longer relevant to the success or demise of a relationship.

The ‘oh no no’ list………

When I was younger:
Not cool/attractive
Small equipment

….not very many, that’s for sure.

Now:
Broke
Small equipment (like very very small)
Jealousy (I thought this was so cool when I was younger)
Addictions (I also thought this was so cool when I was younger)
Being homosexual
NEEDing me to fulfill something they lack/or think they lack
Having a relationship with someone else at the same time
No toilet paper in the house
Doesn’t own cleaning supplies
No sheets on his bed
Bad breath and/or body odor all the time
Thinks LMFAO are true musical geniuses
Cats
Extreme indecisiveness and/or laziness
Poor grammar (and there is a difference between abbreviating words for texting vs consistent spelling mistakes)
Still living with his parents or family member (unless he has a definite plan to move out ASAP)Only texts and can’t pick up the phone
Talks about money (either way, that he has a lot or not much at all)
Sketchers
A teenager (either really a teenager, or mentally a teenager)
Lack of ability to get places (i.e no whip)
Tattoo of his own face on his back and/or Steve-O’s face
Complete inability to get an erection
Has an STI.. and complete fear of going to the doctor
Eating disorder and/or food issues
Unlimited tanning pass

I sent a request from my wise girlfriends on their opinions on deal breakers and many of their ideas made it to the above list. Thanks ladies!

different

He’s totally different. I never noticed him at first. Of course. Why would I. I always look for the on with a wildly artistic temperament, usually a 'fixer upper' or the ougoing, smooth talking (usually asshole) one in the group. Which happened to be his roomate (who may not qualify for the asshole part). His roomate didn’t make it to the end of the night. I did. As did my junior high friend with whom, I’ve regrettably crossed the line with, and my ex who I will never not love, nor feel uncontrollable emotions for. I wanted, no, needed, to extricate myself from the situation at hand with the two latter parties, so I focused on him. Not sure how it happened, but we started making out, and it was all over for me. He took me home, and due to an early morning flight, I was gone several hours later. It was a one night stand as far as I was concerned. Every guy’s dream, non?

But somehow he found me on Facebook. A benign message asking me if I had made my flight and how was my Christmas in Antigua, led to lengthy missives (we’re now on Chapter 39) where I was aroused by his intelligence, impressed by his aptitiude for writing and weaving anecdotes into beautiful stories and intrigued, wanting to know more about this man. I still do. I’m still very much intrigued. I hope he is as much so with me. Let’s see what happens because this is totally different for me.

way past the smile

I should’ve never even agreed to go out with him. When I showed up at the pub we had designated – which was on the bus route, because he was sans ‘whip’- he said he was surprised I had even shown up. When we’d met, my colleague, who was also there at the time, said, “That’s the kind of guy you have fun with. Not a long term investment.” The 24 year old reminded me of every mistake I’ve made when choosing who to date. I quickly learned, as he was quite frank with me, that in addition to being ride-less, he was home-less, jobless and re-evaluating his dreams of becoming a pro-skateboarder post-severe knee injury. He adimitted, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. Then he smiled, that brillant, beautiful grin that I was attracted to in the first place. But I wasn’t dazzled. The things he had going on his life weren’t something I wanted to tackle anymore in mine. Or support, for that matter. I always saw the good in a ‘fixer-upper’ and tried to be supportive, and tirelessly so. This time, I wasn’t willing. Or, ever again for that matter. Not sure how to abbreviate the date after he told me it was, “The best time he’s had in 5 months.” I suggested a busier bar, which entailed more drinks, which most likely gave him the wrong impression. One beer in, he asked, “Can I sleep on your couch tonight? My friend’s parents [where he was temporarily staying] live in the suburbs and I have to take the bus home now if I’m going to make it.” I had no words. I have no words now. I panicked. My mind raced, wondering what I was going to do to get out of this situation. I told him I ‘wasn’t like that’ and ‘couldn’t do that’. He said, “okay, I hope you didn’t take that the wrong way”. Not sure which way one should take that question on a first date… He ran into some buddies and I frantically texted my bestie to ask what I should do. ‘Act really drunk starting now, go to the bathroom and sneak out the back door’. Something my over-willingess to be ‘nice’ to everyone would have never allowed me to fathom. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even sneak out the back door. He was chatting with his friends, I grabbed my bag, and walked out of the front door, flagged a cab and laid in the back seat for fear he’d see me leaving. Totally irrational, considering he’d notice I’d left the minute (or several minutes) he got back to the table. This is probably one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. I felt guilty for the first 12 hours, but old habits die hard, and obviously they don’t work in my case. So I did something wildly different. I bet – actually, I guarantee, I’m better off without that in my life.