stifled

Lately, I have some things I really want to say to people, but I can’t. I know ‘can’t’ sounds extreme, an excuse for being scared of what might happen once I say these things. And it’s true. I’m terrified. For two different reasons though.

With one, I’m terrified that saying anything might just make our relationship worse. Not because it would make them mad, but because they might accept what I’m saying, but nothing would result from the conversation in a way of change (which is what I would be looking for by even bringing up these matters). Then I would be disappointed. It would rot in me, and fester, because I said something, had that ‘critical conversation’, but nothing’s changed, there’s been no positive result. Probably no result at all, except resentment on both sides. On theirs for me bringing it up, and on mine from nothing happening.

With the other, I feel like we’ve reached a plateau. I need to know where we stand and from that, I would know what is okay to ask of them and what’s not. And I don’t think they think we need to have that conversation, I think they think what I need to know is implied. So then, it should be easy to ask, a weight off my shoulders to know. I guess I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and am not so confident that what I think and what they think is aligned. That the implication is not the same as what I think is implied. And then I would be crushed. Not sure I can’t handle that right now. But not sure I can handle not knowing….

anticipation

I'm getting laid tomorrow. This is not just a possibility, it's a guarantee. And trust me, I will be very upset if it doesn't happen. Why so much stock on doing it tomorrow? Because it's almost been 2 weeks. And I'm sorry to those who I've spoken to recently (surprisingly mostly guys) who like to remind me it's been 11 months, or 9 months or whatever. I've been out with these guys. It's their own fault. You don't talk to a girl and describe exactly how you'd bang her two minutes into the conversation. But this is beside the point. Because I am currently only sleeping with one person, as agreed to in a drunken late night conversation after a fit of jealousy made me look like a mean girl (which, trust me, I'm not). Anyways, when you're getting it on the regular, and really it's not the be all and end all, I swear, as contrary to this post as it seems, surprisingly I like to cuddle too, and hang out with the person who I like to bang (a lot). (I know, I know chetch time). It's just, I've been really stressed out lately, and that's one of my stress relievers, which means I've had to resort to other vices (drinking, smoking, eating lots of chocolate) which aren't as healthy as sex. So, with only 30 plus hours left to wait, my mind is a virtual porn movie. (I've only seen one, but I like to think about past (awesome) experiences and think about how great some variation on that would be). Denizens of the world, guess what? Girls really like sex. Most like it a lot.

i just googled: 'what to do if you're so neurotic you can't stand a delay in text message responses'.
awareness is the first step.