stifled

Lately, I have some things I really want to say to people, but I can’t. I know ‘can’t’ sounds extreme, an excuse for being scared of what might happen once I say these things. And it’s true. I’m terrified. For two different reasons though.

With one, I’m terrified that saying anything might just make our relationship worse. Not because it would make them mad, but because they might accept what I’m saying, but nothing would result from the conversation in a way of change (which is what I would be looking for by even bringing up these matters). Then I would be disappointed. It would rot in me, and fester, because I said something, had that ‘critical conversation’, but nothing’s changed, there’s been no positive result. Probably no result at all, except resentment on both sides. On theirs for me bringing it up, and on mine from nothing happening.

With the other, I feel like we’ve reached a plateau. I need to know where we stand and from that, I would know what is okay to ask of them and what’s not. And I don’t think they think we need to have that conversation, I think they think what I need to know is implied. So then, it should be easy to ask, a weight off my shoulders to know. I guess I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and am not so confident that what I think and what they think is aligned. That the implication is not the same as what I think is implied. And then I would be crushed. Not sure I can’t handle that right now. But not sure I can handle not knowing….