scatterbrain

I can’t seem to get my thoughts together today. They’re flitting all over the place. It mirrors my attempt to get to work today, which was a disaster to say the least. Couldn’t decide what time to get up, kept hitting the snooze button, couldn’t decide what to wear, started to make my bed and realized I didn’t have time, insisted on making breakfast even though I didn’t have time, almost ran out of gas, had to travel AWAY from work to fill up and back around. Got to work, realized I did not want to be there, emails that were work related angered me, like “why are you bugging me today?”, got a cute/dirty message from my Australian lover man, made me happy/laugh hysterically, had coffee, couldn’t decide on a snack, bought an egg, had an apple, but the apple wasn’t the right choice. Brought lunch (another thing I didn’t really have time for), but everyone was going out and I was alone and ate it too fast and then was bored. Decided to call my sis, went outside, but then thought it was too hot, then called my friend while waiting for my sis to call me back, found out he’s wanted by the police, slashed his ex girlfriends tires and had an altercation involving a bat and a knife with her new boyfriend, than ran away, and when the police showed up he stayed in his house. He said he was sad, and has been since his best friend killed himself and was thinking about doing the same thing. I just felt lost, I knew my words wouldn’t have an impact on his mindset. I just told him I cared about him, and I’d drive him to turn himself in if he wanted. When I finally talked to my sis, I was on the verge of tears and couldn’t figure out why. I know I miss her, but I usually don’t cry about this, and she’s home next week. But I know when she’s home, it’ll be go go go and I’ll be lucky to spend time with her. I bought myself a puffed wheat square to feel better. I just ate a piece of the plastic it’s wrapped in. Then my ex asked for a spanking for his birthday after I wished him a happy birthday. Currently using a paper clip to hold my hair up as it/ I am a mess. Is it 4 pm yet? I need a drink, but wondering if that is what got me this way in the first place. Oy vey.

giddyup

Perception is 9/10ths of the law. Or something like that. The way I see things right now, there’s a stable full of boys for me to peruse. This doesn’t mean they’re all thoroughbreds, or a good ride, or haven’t bucked me off once or twice, but they’re still hanging out in the stable, and it’s up to me when I want to visit and who I might take a ride with. (Apologies for the extremely ponoriffic analogy).

The contenders:

Tall, dark, and handsome.

Met him through a friend who decided he was too young for her, he’s a talented chef, and on the first ride I was impressed. He was well dressed, polite, attentive, and had the most intriguing eyes. To top it off, my friends loved him. That wore off quite quickly after some less than impressive behaviour. The last time we went out, he didn’t even get out of his car to get me, he just waited outside and texted me. It was raining. He had 3 hours of sleep and was hungover. Any excitement for the date was quickly quashed from the get go. He’s gonna have to really work to impress me now.

Mysterious Blonde

Met him at beer fest, after mistaking him for a homosexual. Since then, he’s sent some extremely passive aggressive texts, where he’s ‘just wondering what you’re up to’. This makes arranging a date extremely frustrating. If you want to have a drink with me, ask me. If the time/day doesn’t work for me, I’ll suggest a new one. I don’t like beating around the bush. Which I told him. Then he asked me to make out with him (surprising me with his directness). Which led to a sloppy session, me feeling used, and him not man enough to contact me to clear the air. There’s been some tenuous steps to contact me since then, but all, disgustingly passive aggressive. This one might linger in the stable forever.

The ‘Young One’

We’ve had some great correspondence. He’s a good writer and attentive to responding to the specific points in emails while engaging me at the same time. But I usually don’t do younger. It’s hard enough with all of the man-boys out there (See 'Messed up' ex, below). But the other two are floundering, and I’m intrigued. TBD.

The Outliers:

The ‘friend’

He’s put the moves on me more than once. But we have a really good time together and I have told him very directly several times that we’re just friends. We’ve hanging out a lot lately, and he knows a lot of other hip horses. However, he doesn’t seem to play well with my horses, which indicates a bit of jealousy to me. Do platonic friendships ever really work out? I hope so in this case ‘cause I really like this one (as a friend).

The 'messed up' ex

Heard through some friends that he’s really on the party train right now, and this makes him a hypocrite for negatively branding me the same way and letting everyone think he was so hard done by me when we broke up. We have seen each other randomly since January and had a really nice time together. So nice, in fact, that I said maybe we should give it another go. I'd thought we'd both got the buck out of us over time. I did appreciate his honesty in telling me that I was the only girlfriend he ever had and he feels he hasn’t had time to experience other girls. But judging by the way he's going about it, and his newfound resistance to growing up, he'll probably end up with a really young really flighty horse and it's probably better this way. Basically, he ran away from the stable (which he's done before, obviously), but who knows, he might come back, and I may or may not be ready to go for another ride.

Then there’s the wild horses I haven’t even met yet . And that doesn’t make me forsake the stable, it just makes sure I have enough ammo to be discerning. I wanna make sure I'm getting a good ride before I buy the horse (and the hay too!!). Or, maybe i'll decide to revert to my lone rider status. Whatever the case, the wild west is rockin' right now.

mind spaces

they exist. your brain is cluttered with junk; self loathing, bad relationships, stress at work or with family. The rainstorm rages and you can't see two feet in front of you. Then suddenly- whether it's active or passive, the debris clears. Suddenly the path clears. You're no longer muddling through, you can see. Left and right: opportunities. For friendship, relationships, success. Why should you be so lucky to have clear skies? You step tenously at first, and then you realize that this is your time. Don't spend it wondering or wishing. Spend it exploring, enjoying. And the icing on the cake? Wondering why it took so long, was frought with struggle. But being able to realize the path brought you to the destination, and you actually have the foresight to realize you're here.
And enjoy.

Sent from my iPhone

egg on leg

Standing outside of Ironwood with some boys, waiting for a cab and I feel slimy running down my leg. I look down and it’s been hit. With an egg. As full moons encourage somewhat bizarre events and irrational behaviour, I’m not surprised. A little shocked though. It hurt, swelled up like a goose egg right away and the bits of eggshell made it bleed. Not the type to cry, or whine, or let a car load of shit disturbers ruin my night, we rambled on. Unfortunately we rambled into my shoe breaking; getting asked to leave the bar because, apparently, you can’t only have one shoe at the bar; and an altercation with a chubby, cocky shithead who pirated our cab and then laughed in our faces at what he did. Simultaneously asking the cabbie not to leave and screaming at my date to get back into the cab while he tries to beat the crap out of a shithead is not the ideal ending to a night.

Sunday however, was sunny, lovely, had breakfast with a good friend, went rafting, had gin green apple mango slurpees, finished with a lovely BBQ and slept like the dead. Just enjoyed the day the way Sunday Funday should be enjoyed. The perfect tonic to a relentlessly bizarre Saturday night.

second day of summer

It's the second day of summer and only the fourth day we've actually had sun to enjoy. With this newfound Vitamin D permeating the air, here are a few things I've been thinking about lately:

• Is it acceptable to wear fur in the summer with shorts. And would I even want to.


• How short are too short shorts. How skinny is too skinny.


• Sangaria.


• Pool parties and beautiful people, rendering me speechless to discover such an oasis in this city.


• Green apple mango slurpees with gin.


• Patios, beermosas and good (old and new) friends.


• Getting drunk and sleeping with someone really cool on the first date. Where do you go from there?


• Straw hats.


• The natural evolution of life: friends one minute, not the next---or slowly degraded without me noticing. Am I over it; evolved to a new era in my life; not feeling the pain; is this weird or normal?


• Biking. Everywhere.


• New shag rug. It’s shag-worthy.


• Golfing on a sunny morning. What other excuse do you have to drink beer before 11 am?
• Open windows and the birds out back that sound like they kill loads of cats every morning.


• Brightly colored toes. Because my boots need to hibernate.
• Taking it easy. Because most things people stress about aren't worth it. Chillax dude!
  

to Boobie, understanding, and the wisdom that age brings

Time is such a tricky bastard. Minutes move slow, seconds become indomitable measures of a place where time stands still and then you blink, and years have passed. My sister turned 24 on Friday, but I blinked and somehow my life ran right into today before I could acknowledge it here. So although this is belated, it’s also apropos. I wander around this life aimlessly unless she’s around. She’s a barometer I can measure my crazy against and me hers. My weaknesses are her strengths and I miss that presence in my life, someone who can tell me to get out of my mind and embrace a little more rationality.

The last time we were together, it was a fabulous two weeks in Thailand. I say fabulous, because I know she’s got my back, and we have the exact same idea of what a vacation should be: relaxing, drinking, partying, meeting new people, moderate tourism, the Stones and the Doors, some shopping, wandering like the vagabonds we can’t be anywhere else, and being exactly who we are and who we’ve become, with a few arguments in between. They’re not unpleasant though—‘cause we seem to be reaching to an understanding of who we’ve become since we’ve seen each other last. And we’re passionate people, so it can get heated. But if the goal in life is to just try to understand someone else, it only means that I love her enough to care to want to understand. And although reality dictates we mostly grope in the dark, it’s those moments of enlightenment where you get it, that you realize why you’d strive to that goal. And it’s those moments that I know why I love my sister no matter what. Weaving those moments together, we can only grow stronger. Through the years the fruits of this labour have made me regret the years we spent fighting, but cherish the wisdom that age brings to strive for this understanding, and build a relationship that’s rich with memories and love and comfort and the knowledge that there’s one other person in this world that cares enough to try to understand me and me her. So cheers to our future as the golden girls, living in our twilight years, still striving to understand what this life has meant to us and means as we age - knowing that everything of significance has been our relationships; what we brought to them and what we got out of them. I look forward to it Boobie. Much love.

xoxox

A

boys, boys, boys.

The weekend started out innocently enough.

Recovering from a hellish, hectic week with a glass/bottle of wine and a movie on my couch when we got into a text conversation (I'm not telling who texted who first - I'm working on teaching myself self control). I knew he’d been studying like a madman for a big test later this week, but thought with the newfound honesty about our situation, inviting him over to chill out would be no big deal – and don’t worry- I made it sound like no big deal. Which it isn’t really. I’ve lost any expectations for moving in a forward motion with this one. The ball’s in his court now, told me he’d text me the next day, and not surprisingly didn’t.

The next day, went to meet some friends to slam/sample some beers at beer fest. Ran into two boys I knew in Junior High and haven’t seen since. I would estimate the ratio of men to women at this event to be about 4:1. Unfortunately, I also discovered that the ratio of short men to tall men was also 4:1. Two of the former, dressed alike/the same; brown shoes, jeans, navy blue trenchcoat, navy blue button up underneath; struck up a conversation with me. Assuming they were together I felt comfortable and divulged more than I probably should (I NEVER do that;). We talked about sex; they asked me if I’d ever had a threesome. Anyways, one thing led to another, and they wanted my number to set up some type of sexual fantasy that they could probably never live up to. They were also quite shocked that I thought they were partners, and vehemently started defending their manhood by using terms such as ‘gangbangs’ and the like. I’m not fooled. The blonde one with the piercing blue eyes had something on me though---we’ve met, I’m sure of it and so is he, but we have no idea where. Strange. The night ended at a Blackalicious concert; one of the guys who had come with us was puttin down, but I was not picking up, and I gloriously left him when he thought $20 would be too much to see the rap genius. Ran into my ex’s cousin who I’d been friends with for years until he asked me out. Luckily, I don't remember this late into the night.

The texting started early the next day. After a fucking freezing cold 9 holes of golf (a great excuse to drink at 10 am) I started getting texts from I-know-you-from-where? bobsey twin #1, as he continued to ponder where we might know each other from. I suggested we’d hooked up one time and don’t remember, but he thought a brainstorm over some drinks might be a great idea to find out. Meanwhile, the swarthy Italian one with dark chest hair was texting me to suggest the same scenario. I should have known they both would fail on the follow through, and at the end of the night, I-know-you-from-where? bitched out to go to his parents for dinner and fall asleep on the couch with his sweatpants on.

After drinking for a full 24 hours, quitting was not in the cards and I became immersed in a twilight zone inhabited by every boy I’d crushed on/sexed/dated/loved/flirted with. Walking into the pub, I was confronted with a face I’d seen and recognized many times before—but again, no idea how.

“AXEL!!! How are you?” No light of recognition in my eyes, but as he closed in for a hug, I felt comfortable and knew I knew him.

“Don’t you remember?”

“Remember?”

“You know, Whistler, you on the bar, topless?”

I’m as red faced as an obviously shameless girl can be.

“Wait? Were we with the Skate and Party Club? Do you know Dan?” (Dan had been the president of the Skate and Party Club in University and we’d dated briefly).

“Yeah! I’m Shawn, don’t you remember?”

Obviously not, but we caught up and later outside, he gave me one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever received.

“You know, you have a great set,” he says, pointing to my chest. “Perfect nipples,” he muses. “They’ve been seared into my brain ever since. Um humm.” He shakes his head and closes his eyes, remembering.

I’m hoping this is what everyone remembers from that night. And thinking it would be nice if every other guy who’s witnessed me topless has the same memories.

I knew, when I saw him, he would never approach me. He tends not to, in public, unless he’s inebriated. Maybe he never knows what mood I’ll be in - sad, reproachful, happy. He retured to the bar an hour later, after I'd thought he'd left for good, and I bit the bullet and approached him. I hadn’t seen him since our emotion less/filled encounter in December, and since I’d heard he’d had a terrible accident and been in the hospital. I may or may not have cried at the thought of this and my happiness over seeing him all right. Otherwise, it was an easy conversation, too easy. Probably why I don’t go out of my way to initiate, even though I have his phone number, because it just feels so natural, it makes me wonder why we’re not together. And apparently everyone else who sees us together feels the same: his friend was making goo goo eyes at us, the like I haven’t seen since elementary. Moving to another venue left me wanting more, but knowing I couldn’t have it, I wanted to go before I lost control (Like I said, I'm working on this).

Upon arrival, I’m confronted with my dream Jake-Gylenthall-just-came-out-of-the-dumpster-with-hot-moles-on-face-man. I have confirmation his name is, in fact, Lauren. He probably has confirmation that I’m a crazy stalker. It’s really too bad I remember every moment of our first meeting and can regurgitate it with such a dreamy tone. Never say, ‘We’ve met (insert name here)’ to someone who you’ve fleetingly met once, dreamt about ever since, but who clearly does not remember meeting you.

Wrapping my weekend up with the late night calls and texts I should never answer (and didn’t!), the weekend made me wonder if this town is just too small for a shameless romantic like me.