d-runk. work stylez.

I started to notice today that my spelling is off. Also, it's incredibly fun to play with bolding and CAPS and spell thingz with a z. This points to the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk from last night and have to be at work and that must be what you do when you are, as I am, d-runk at workz........

Other signs that you are under the influence at work:

• Did the lights get brighter, or did I always need my shades inside
• That typing noise is really fucking loud
• People are backing away slowly when they talk to you. Probably smell like a barroom floor.
• Writing an email to colleagues with one liners, like "Shut up!"
• Listening to club music and swearing the lights are flickering to the beat
• Suddenly the grimy carpet looks inviting for a nap
• Wondering if the vegetable juice down in the cafeteria might mimic the effects of a Caesar
• Trailing off mid-sentence because you have no idea what you just said or who you said it to, where are you again?

Time to go home. Or time for post-work drinks. If you can't fight it, join it!

sometimes, in the morning

...I wake up and think about all of the things still in store for me. It gives me a shiver of excitement. Hope.

...I wake up and think about all of the things still in store for me. Makes me want to cry.

Get there. Stop.

r.e.s.p.e.c.t

You won’t get respect if you don’t earn it. I’ve always wondered ‘why?’ is he treating me this way, or why are they doing this to me. It’s because they can, because I let them. No more. I’m learning (love getting old!).

Got a 2 a.m. text from the ex asking if he could come over. Sure, we’d been texting earlier in the night. But I hadn’t heard from him in days before that. Nothing. And that was after we had had a pretty mind blowing hookup. I was mad. Mad at myself for letting him make me feel that way again. I wrote a million notes in my head to him, telling him, your double standard isn’t fair (as in, when you want it, it’s okay, but when I do, he’s never available/says no), you don’t treat me the way you should. I never thought I’d hear from him again. But I did. I keep my tone neutral, didn’t commit to anything. Then he bragged about being out and I didn’t respond. Then the 2 a.m text.

This morning, I thought I could maybe just leave it and he’d feel bad. But, I also don’t think he’s emotionally evolved enough to make his own realization to that conclusion. So, I wrote him the following:

Hey- I did get your text last night – and I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but it made me feel like an afterthought. Don’t get me wrong, I really like hanging out with you- but when you want a late night after I haven’t heard from you for a couple of days…..it just doesn’t feel nice.

He apologized, said it wasn’t very respectful of him.

And that’s earning respect; communicating how their actions made you feel and that you’re not tolerating it. A response that isn’t catty or presumptive, just clear and straightforward, with a bit of padding for (his) pride’s sake.

I’m proud of myself for doing this. That’s for sure.

not happening

Things I refuse to do (now that I'm old;):
Feel guilt
Compromise me for him or you
Worry about conclusions other people have come to
Apologize for things that I shouldn't be sorry for (see 'feel guilt' above)

how much?

I had a thought the other day that if I, in fact, ever want to be a writer, I can’t be consumed with something else in my life. When I’m really in a dark place, I come to the conclusion that this means I can’t be happy or in love and am destined to be a spinster. But maybe that’s not the answer. Maybe, it’s not healthy to be in an all-consuming relationship that blinds you to life. Because, when that fades, what are you left with? And, when it’s all consuming, and everything else in your life is relegated to the back burner, and then all of a sudden it’s gone, that is a deep loss, you stumble as to what to do next, re—establish some things you cherished, fumble on where to go next. I thought love was all about attention, being the centre of someone’s universe, and maybe it is, but maybe it’s an undercurrent, where you’re being yourself, doing your thing and they appreciate it, and love you for it, but don’t smother you with it. It doesn’t feel as visceral, but who says that’s what love is? How much is too much?

in between hello and goodbye

In between Hello and Goodbye there is a place, where ambiguity rules and all future possibilities are clear except for one thing, which one will actually manifest in your life. Choices are one thing, but in relationships you depend on the other person to agree or disagree with your choices and consensus is the future path your life will take. In between Hello and Goodbye can be a tense, anxious place where, you’re like a kid at Christmas and you just can’t wait to find out what you got, but at the same time, you could be disappointed with Santa’s failings. Or, you could get what you wanted and realize it wasn’t what you thought it would be. In between Hello and Goodbye can be a place where everything is possible and you feel you have the whole world in front of you, you’re just waiting for life to start. You never know what you’re building in between Hello and Goodbye. It could be the house of your dreams or a temporary resting stop until you find that place. In between Hello and Goodbye you find out a lot about yourself, something that, no matter how anxious you feel about that place, is something that will only make you stronger, wiser, and closer to where you want to be.

secrets

i've been keeping a lot of secrets lately. this is unusual as I'm known for being really honest, maybe too honest sometimes. maybe they're secrets, or maybe i'm just keeping my cards close to my chest. i don't want to know what people think of my choices lately and i know if I tell them they'll weigh in, and to be honest, I don't care what they say. so i'm keeping lots of secrets. it's driving me a little crazy, but let's call it discretion, and discretion can never be a bad thing.