bookend

it turned out to be a bookend. not the flaming burnout I expected, no explosion leading to death. just a faint whimper. of relief. that i finally know how it turns out. i can finally move on, without wondering. did i miss 'it'? am i suffering alone like he is, wondering how it would be if we could be together?

he smells the same. when he speaks to me and he's alone, it's the same. same as it's always been. witty banter, comfortable silences. we're familiar with each other. but there's something missing. something distinct. the sense that alone, we're floundering without each other. i still beleive we understand each other like no other. but i know now, I can make it alone. i don't need him. i'm not dying without being able to bask in his glow.

in hindsight, it was a half glow. we both wanted to be fully immersed, but sensed in each other, the vortex. and fear. we'd get lost in each other, and lose ourselves.

but now, the intensity seems to have dissapated. and i realize. that's all we had. we only had the vortex. and like any tornado, at the core, it was empty. the feelings swirled and we were surrounded. i basked in the feeling i got from it. i mistook intensity for love. and we did love, but not the kind of love that sacrifices for each other. because if that was the case, seven years later, we would have done everything to make it work. but we didn't. we gave up when the tornado became too much to bear. it was agonizing. i felt lost without him. and now......

i don't. i've found my place. and being with him again. made me see. i can do this without you. it makes me sad, but it's painted right in front of me. and it's beautiful freedom. i will always love him, but now i have a bookend to our story. a place where my fifteen year old self can find peace. i don't wonder why we didn't do this or that, because everything we did lead us to this place. hopefully the place we're meant to be.