true colors

i haven't felt like writing lately. just feeling down about things in general. kind of like the girl depicted above. dead ghosts keep bleeding on me, i realize my dolls were just that, never reliable or to be counted on when i need them. just inanimate and selfish, waiting for me to create the scenarios and play they want to participate in. and if they don't. they won't. no element of compromise or selflessness seems to reside in the doll's character. everytime I attempt to play with them, I cut myself a little bit inside. i have nightmares about being let down and feel they'll come true. often lately, they have.

people's true colors seem to be showing lately. and I feel saddened by some, realizing their insides were black. i'm done falling on the sword for them. i need to start looking out for myself once and a while. sacrificing constantly for nothing, without faith, tires me, and I'm done with it.

i don't think I ask much, but for some it always seems like too much. the flies swarm early, and I seem oblivious to the signs of a dying relationship.

here's to looking out for flies before the death disintigrates my insides. i don't want to feel the rot.

recycling

he warned me. "I have 100 pounds on you easy, and you're matching me drink for drink." I never listen. I think I'm a woman of steel, able to withstand a barrage of beer, or a tsunami of tequila, or a catacylsm of cider, or... well, you get my point. This morning seemed early, and hazy, and slow, as I tried to pick through my things and figure out how the night ended. The scent of scotch in the air told me why I'd forgotten, and the clothes strewn across my apartment indicated a real rush to get them off.

We hadn't seen each other in at least four years, and I'd felt bad about how I'd ended it (three times). I never wanted as much from it as he did, and although we had great chemistry, that was about the entire sum. Apparently that chemistry hasn't died. I just wish I could remember how awesome revisiting it probably was.

white gold

Freedom is riding high above a pristine sugar dusted terrain, the sun in your eyes, anticipating riding the natural rolling bumps between the trees, carving the soft melting crust beside the forest and feeling like you’re surfing on a perfect wave without waiting for it to come. Your only responsibility is to yourself, making sure you hit that nice drop in Baker’s Acres, the pure powder trail on the way down and the kicker at the end. When you’re on that board on the mountain, the only schedule to adhere to is beer time, once the sun gets too low, the lifts close and your legs scream out for relief. It’s a definite plus when you’re with someone who enjoys it as much as you do, and it’s so beautifully sunny and warm, you don’t need a jacket and worry about a unsightly goggle tan (which would secretly be awesome, because you wouldn’t have to verbally brag about how awesome it was). Every year on my birthday, mother nature doesn’t let me down and gives me a reason to anticipate another year, especially one that might include, even for a day, this awesome sense of freedom.

purple suede loafers

Recently, I discovered that one of my exes may very well be gay, something that many friends hastened to tell me AFTER we broke up. This is the second time this has happened to me, and trust me, there have been many theories as to why ( I don't even WANT to know). In order to prevent this scandal from happening to some other young, naïve, trusting girl, I’ve put together a list of things to look out for when you’re dating someone new.

Ten hints that the guy you’re dating is gay:

1. He likes shopping much more than you do. So much more, he would forgo food or drink for several hours to pursue the perfect pair of sunglasses and leave your hypoglycaemic ass in the dust.


2. He mentions how he thinks he’s getting fat, when clearly he’s not.


3. He asks you what he should wear to a hipster art opening. You could only PRAY a straight guy would ever ask you what he should wear before going out.


4. His sexual fantasies involve you and a $3500 Dolce & Gabanna coat. It’s about the coat. Not you.


5. He goes on weekend getaways with his guy friends whom you’ve never met. Double red flag: When he tells you they’re ‘foreign’ and like to sleep in the same bed, with a good attempt at a look of disgust on his face.


6. He gets drunk and tells you that what he really wanted to be when he grew up was a fashion designer.


7. Another fantasy involving expensive designer jeans, the ocean and you. Again, not about you – or the ocean for that matter. Totally about the jeans.


8. He uses your tweezers/razor/lotions when on vacation or at your house. I don’t even want to know what area he used them in.


9. He takes three times as long to get ready as you do before you go out on a date.


10. When he meets your parents, your mom comments on how ‘the scarf is a little much’.

photo: The Sartorialist

girl crush

I’ve had girl crushes here and there over the years. Usually it’s a girl I want to emulate because she’s stylish, confident and sure of herself. She seems so perfect, I wonder if there are cracks. And even if I see vulnerability, it’s in such a way that feels so natural, every girl should be vulnerable to these things and not feel shy about it. You can feel it, when you’re around her, that she knows her limitations and possibilities and is fully able to take them by the reins if she wanted to. But she’s successful and happy where she is, and you can feel that confident glow emitting from her when she’s around you. You feel like she’d be comfortable in any situation and be able to talk to any one about anything. It’s like you could insert her into a biker bar or a black tie gala and she’d be totally natural, winning over people from all walks of life.

When I was younger, I wanted to be her, fully. I tried to emulate her style, the cute way she talked with her hands, the funny terms she used for things. Now, I’m just trying to be myself, and emulate my own confidence and happiness, and even on my most dishevelled days, I’m true to myself. Because hoping that people like you and trying to be someone you’re not just isn’t authentic. Being yourself and pleasantly surprised that people like you and not giving a shit when someone doesn’t seems much more real. And luckily, I think my current girl crush likes me back (and likes me for being me!).

opulent rooms

In the right room? Feeling more confident now than ever, dreaming of well-dressed rooms, opulent surroundings, seeing mine the same way. The rose colored glasses I’ve been wearing could be blinding me. At least it’s been suggested that my current state of contentment is too comfortable. But we rush to hindsight and destroy the present. So I’m going to enjoy my happy cozy place. I deserve it. It’s been a tumultuous 25 years, and running towards the sunset makes the day a blur. Always rushing to get there, never enjoying that moment - in the afternoon- when you take off your stockings, put on your slippers, pour yourself a glass of wine, sit back, and enjoy feeling comfortable with the room you’re in.