a lesson in contradictions

inspired by Walt Whitman

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes).

A lesson in self acceptance for me. I always beat myself up about my jekyll and hyde nature. But really, being one thing is boring. My 'other' sides create textures, interest, something that I need to learn to love and not loathe.

Being with my sister always reminds me of this, she is herself, no apologies, no questions. I admire her in so many ways because her confidence seems unshakeable. Of course this can't be true- we all have our vulnerabilities- but she forgives herself and 0thers, because she accepts how they are, not how she wishes them to be.

I'm learning lessons everyday. And this is the one I want to learn today.

Three things I'm grateful for since my last post:

1. Time with my sister. I swear it makes me a better person.

2. The sun is finally out, and I'm enjoying it.

3. Some time to relax at home and soak in the silence.

today i vowed

today I vowed to be nice to people. all week (well, maybe more than a week) I've been the last person you'd want to hang out with. Last saturday, after finally admitting "I'm really grumpy today", my mom was kinda like "no shit sherlock" and fed me a glass of wine and encouraged me to take a nap. I actually feel sorry for people who have to be around me. I wouldn't want to be around me.

So you see, I'm starting my blog with an incredibly depressing posting, but with a little bit of hope. Because, I'm trying to be nice to people. My first task will be to smile, not scowl at the next person I see. I think even a mixed smile/scowl might be better than what I'm putting out right now. Because right now, I come across as one of those crochety old ladies. You know the ones who expect you'll let them ahead of you in line, but when you don't, they send you that look. You know the whithering look that says, "Young lady, your mother obviously didn't raise you right, as you know you should let me go first and you're not."

I've been working on picking three things every day that I'm grateful for. So let's start today with what I'm grateful for yesterday.
1. I'm grateful that, this time, the person at starbucks knew the difference between a cone and a flat for grinding options and that, even though the starbucks girl was deaf, she wrote down my order correctly and it came out correctly.
2. I'm grateful that, even though I came off slightly aloof at our staff christmas party, I didn't have to overly socialize with anyone.
3. I'm grateful that my editor gave huge kudos for the photo I took yesterday.

So, i'm gonna grab myself a coffee. Put on some relaxing music (that means wu-tang in my book). And take out my sharpie and plot out the tattoo I'm gonna get that says 'be nice' or 'be patient' or something along those lines, because obviously I need to be constantly reminded. Then maybe this won't just be that hour before the breakdown. Maybe I can just teeter on instability and fall off on the stable side.