a lesson in contradictions

inspired by Walt Whitman

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes).

A lesson in self acceptance for me. I always beat myself up about my jekyll and hyde nature. But really, being one thing is boring. My 'other' sides create textures, interest, something that I need to learn to love and not loathe.

Being with my sister always reminds me of this, she is herself, no apologies, no questions. I admire her in so many ways because her confidence seems unshakeable. Of course this can't be true- we all have our vulnerabilities- but she forgives herself and 0thers, because she accepts how they are, not how she wishes them to be.

I'm learning lessons everyday. And this is the one I want to learn today.

Three things I'm grateful for since my last post:

1. Time with my sister. I swear it makes me a better person.

2. The sun is finally out, and I'm enjoying it.

3. Some time to relax at home and soak in the silence.

jolt me to life

I keep having fantasies about crashing my car. I'll be driving down the street, someone will turn in front of me, and I'll accelerate slightly. I tailgate on purpose, imagining that solid impact. The feeling of metal against metal and the reassurance that I won't be here forever. That things can be changed. That, with enough force, you can permanently change the shape of a seemingly indestructable piece of metal.

I have this fantasy for several reasons. I'm hoping the force might jolt me out of apathy, make me awake and alive- available for living my life. I'm just wandering through right now, sometimes I can't distinguish dreams and reality. The less I do, the less I want to do - it's a vicious cycle. I would hope that being in peril of losing my life, or my life as I know it, would force an intense re-evaluation of the status quo. Or what I accept to be status quo.

So right now, the only light through the fog, is those headlights, my unwavering optimism; and I pray they are real and that I have the courage to approach them head on. To crash into them and jolt me into life.

I haven't done three things in a long while. So here it goes:
1. The sunshine is finally out, and hopefully the scourge of this long winter is over.
2. The support of good friends at my graduate school rejection :(
3. That I will see my sister in two days.

get me outta here

So, if you haven't noticed, I really hate my job. I feel so numb and stupid and frustrated with people today that I applied for two grad schools. I don't care if I'll be in debt till I'm 90 at this point, I just think my tolerance for stupidity has completely disappeared.

So today, even though it's really hard, I'm gonna take at stab at the three things that made me happy in the last 24 hours:
1. The prospect of being able to quit this 'profession' in less than 9 months. Like gestating a secret baby that no one knows about but when it shoots out they'll be shocked because they didn't even know you were pregnant.
2. Going home last night and hibernating. Doing relatively nada (of course making sure everything was put away from my trip because I'm a little bit of a crazy anal retentive person) by myself, and finishing off by curling up with a book in bed.
3. Having time this morning to have a healthy breakfast and read my paper. It was beautiful. *tear

Dickens had it right:
"Eccentricities of genius." Let's hope.