I keep having fantasies about crashing my car. I'll be driving down the street, someone will turn in front of me, and I'll accelerate slightly. I tailgate on purpose, imagining that solid impact. The feeling of metal against metal and the reassurance that I won't be here forever. That things can be changed. That, with enough force, you can permanently change the shape of a seemingly indestructable piece of metal.
I have this fantasy for several reasons. I'm hoping the force might jolt me out of apathy, make me awake and alive- available for living my life. I'm just wandering through right now, sometimes I can't distinguish dreams and reality. The less I do, the less I want to do - it's a vicious cycle. I would hope that being in peril of losing my life, or my life as I know it, would force an intense re-evaluation of the status quo. Or what I accept to be status quo.
So right now, the only light through the fog, is those headlights, my unwavering optimism; and I pray they are real and that I have the courage to approach them head on. To crash into them and jolt me into life.
I haven't done three things in a long while. So here it goes:
1. The sunshine is finally out, and hopefully the scourge of this long winter is over.
2. The support of good friends at my graduate school rejection :(
3. That I will see my sister in two days.
No comments:
Post a Comment