don't we all...

http://www.eyeweekly.com/article/55882

...feel this way lately. Way to get out of the rut? To each their own.

jolt me to life

I keep having fantasies about crashing my car. I'll be driving down the street, someone will turn in front of me, and I'll accelerate slightly. I tailgate on purpose, imagining that solid impact. The feeling of metal against metal and the reassurance that I won't be here forever. That things can be changed. That, with enough force, you can permanently change the shape of a seemingly indestructable piece of metal.

I have this fantasy for several reasons. I'm hoping the force might jolt me out of apathy, make me awake and alive- available for living my life. I'm just wandering through right now, sometimes I can't distinguish dreams and reality. The less I do, the less I want to do - it's a vicious cycle. I would hope that being in peril of losing my life, or my life as I know it, would force an intense re-evaluation of the status quo. Or what I accept to be status quo.

So right now, the only light through the fog, is those headlights, my unwavering optimism; and I pray they are real and that I have the courage to approach them head on. To crash into them and jolt me into life.

I haven't done three things in a long while. So here it goes:
1. The sunshine is finally out, and hopefully the scourge of this long winter is over.
2. The support of good friends at my graduate school rejection :(
3. That I will see my sister in two days.

new year?

Does it feel like a new year to you? Because it doesn't feel like one to me. Change is constant. And as I just returned from a trip to visit family in Saskatchewan (did you even know it could reach -53 degrees celsius?) I observed some changes that I'm proud of (which I will cover in my top three today) while visiting with family there.

I wanted to discuss coming out of the closet. The blog closet, I mean. Not one person reads my blog presently, which means it is essentialy a diary- i'm writing to myself- or no one. I'm a closeted blogger because;
a) I don't really feel comfortable with anyone reading my daily musings; which may or may not be inconsequential but most likely are, and
b) why should anyone care what I think; it feels quite vain to expect anyone to care.
So for now, I remain in the closet. Should my writing miraculously improve or my self worth skyrocket suddenly, that may change, but for now, I'm writing for me to prolong that hour before the breakdown.

So to conclude, three changes I'm proud of this year:
1. I no longer feel the need to contribute to every conversation. Meaning, I'm okay just listening and evaluating without that anxious, itchy feeling that the group must must must know what I think about the subject as well.
2. I no longer feel lonely being alone, or feel like a loser if I'm not with friends every day of the week. I relish alone time with my book.
3. (Now this one I'm not so sure if I'm proud of, but it sure makes my life easier) I can last a whole day doing only one or two things at work and it doesn't feel like an eternity. (Otherwise my life would be hell, because my job is the converse of intellectually stimulating and doesn't expect a large or high output, unfortunatley).
I've coasted into complacency- which needless to say is the same as coasting into the suburban mickey d's drive through in your mini van with your two munchkins, on the way to soccer practice thinking about what kind of curtains you really want in your dining room and if the kids will just pull them down after two minutes and if you have enough time to do those 15 cupcakes before the school event tomorrow. All while wearing your Northern Getaway tummy stretch panel jeans and the 'funky' bejewelled t shirt in burgundy and that frosted pink lipstick the lady at lancome told you looked 'young'.
Quelle horreur. Seriously, you might as well take me out to the pasture and shoot me.
Happy 2009!