fuzzy edges

The feeling when you've been napping too much. You wake, and look around; spots and fuzzy edges. My brain has been napping for so long, the world has taken on this look, and I'm scared it's permanent. Moments that may be exciting or joyful are tempered by this lens and I start to feel numb. Out of body. Looking at myself and others and life as if an observer, calmy noting the markers of the day.

7:00 am - Get up, excited for coffee, blast some music and dance around to get myself 'pumped' for the day.
7:30 am- Get dressed. Wear new shoes today. Yay.
8:00 am- Decide wheather it will be a Starbucks day today or not.
8:30 am- Get to work, check Facebook, Google blogger, and various other sites for a couple of hours.
10:30 am- Coffee break, a chance for my new shoes to go for a walk.
12:00pm- Lunch time- read my magazine and decide wheather I should ditch work for the afternoon or not.
12:00 - 4:00 pm- Either work from home (ie. watch a movie and keep email open) or go shopping/errands and hope that I don't get any emails- usually I don't.

And they pay me a ridiculous amount to do this. I just asked my boss for more work, and she kind of laughed. What kind of alternative universe is this? Fuzzy edges and all.

Also had a FML moment last night. Blind date, arrived early - where a very hot, very my type bartender served me a drink. We probably would have struck up a conversation, had my yucky, eventually obnoxious date not shown up.

Three things since my last post that have, surprisingly, made me happy:
1. Army & Navy Annual Shoe sale. THE premier sports event for shoe aficionados like myself. Momma got herself 6 new pairs of shoes. Yay!
2. Reuniting with friend I hooked up with who made it awkward for three months after. We had beers, talked philosophy, Ayn Rand- it was lovely.
3. Rediscovering how sticky green gets me motivated to clean house, and feel really good about it.

jolt me to life

I keep having fantasies about crashing my car. I'll be driving down the street, someone will turn in front of me, and I'll accelerate slightly. I tailgate on purpose, imagining that solid impact. The feeling of metal against metal and the reassurance that I won't be here forever. That things can be changed. That, with enough force, you can permanently change the shape of a seemingly indestructable piece of metal.

I have this fantasy for several reasons. I'm hoping the force might jolt me out of apathy, make me awake and alive- available for living my life. I'm just wandering through right now, sometimes I can't distinguish dreams and reality. The less I do, the less I want to do - it's a vicious cycle. I would hope that being in peril of losing my life, or my life as I know it, would force an intense re-evaluation of the status quo. Or what I accept to be status quo.

So right now, the only light through the fog, is those headlights, my unwavering optimism; and I pray they are real and that I have the courage to approach them head on. To crash into them and jolt me into life.

I haven't done three things in a long while. So here it goes:
1. The sunshine is finally out, and hopefully the scourge of this long winter is over.
2. The support of good friends at my graduate school rejection :(
3. That I will see my sister in two days.