I’ve always thought friendship was a two way street. Growing up, my sister and I were taught that you get in what you put out. I did have a friend who commented that I expect a lot from my friends, but she acknowledged that I expect a lot from myself too, so it seemed fair, that I should maybe be more patient and flexible with both. I’ve been working on it for a while now, and I feel I just let things go more easily. On Monday night, I wanted to accomplish all these things after work. Instead I downed half a bottle of wine and ate dinner in front of the TV, read my book in bed and was asleep by 9. Instead of beating myself up about it, I let it go. And with friends, sometimes it’s not worth it. If they can’t make it to your birthday or they can’t make it out one night, it doesn’t mean you’re not friends. There are some things though that need to be reciprocal, that have bothered me with some friends lately, and I decided to do an experiment. Instead of always planning, and asking them to do things all the time, I left it. Just to see if they’d reciprocate with an invite, or drop me a line to hang out. Guess what. They didn’t. It took almost a month. But I’ve decided (2012), that I’m not going to stress about it. It’s their choice what kind of friends we are (weekly, monthly, bi-monthly), and I’m not going to push it. I have friends who want to see me every week, or talk to me every day, and I’m not going to bend over backwards to try to organize everything all the time. Friendships are like relationships, and you have to be able to communicate and reciprocate. I believe that when something is bothering you, and bothering you enough, it’s worth it to get it out on the table. Some people would rather be passive aggressive about it, but I had no qualms, before Christmas, to tell a friend, that just because she had a boyfriend, I didn’t think it negated our friendship, nor was an excuse not to spend time on it. She may have disagreed. Boys seem to sometimes cause girls to re-evaluate their priorities. But I believe, if and, when relationships end, you should still have friends. And even more so, you need friends when you’re in a relationship. My girlfriend and I had this conversation just before Christmas, “Should your significant other be your be all end all and need to know everything about you?” Both of our answers were no, but I’ve been surprised to find many of my girlfriends, who I thought to be very independent ladies, get into a relationship and everything goes flying out the window in favor of him. I get it, I get the honeymoon phase, but everything in moderation, and sometimes learning to balance can be one of life’s greatest challenges. In favor of not killing every relationship with high expectations (2012), I’ve just chosen to put energy where it’s coming back to me, and that’s in those reciprocal relationships, where the other person puts in the same energy I choose to in relationships. It’s that simple.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
false starts
2012. January. It’s that time of the year, where traditionally, people start reflecting on what they want the year to bring, what they want to accomplish, things they want to change. This post is not about that crap. I did have a resolution, and it was to be nicer. Not that I think I’m not a nice person, but I’m sure sometimes I’m a little too straightforward for people and I should try a little padding in my responses/I suck at flirting for this same reason. I would say I’ve been doing okay on this, except for the comment a co worker made on Friday after a conference call with some difficult clients where I ‘nicely’ had to ask for the same thing twice.
“How do you interact with your friends and you know, boyfriends?” he asked.
I didn’t even get into the boyfriend thing, because, as much as I am straightforward, I also like to avoid conflict and so basically, I have to work on communication, consciously. I also was told by a friend earlier this year, after she saw a text repartee between me and an ‘interest’, that I don’t know how to flirt. This could very well be true. The colleague told me I could take a page from his wife’s book on making a guy feel important, when really they’re not. “She runs the show, but makes me feel like I’m in charge,” he said. This seems slightly antiquated, but in truth all of these items seem to boil down to the same thing. I don’t put out the impression that I need anyone, and sometimes, people need to feel needed, or at least that you care enough to chat with them.
So the ‘interest’ turned out to be either incredibly stupid or mentally fucked. Either way I won’t be touching that with a ten foot pole (see, I’m learning!). He messaged me and then we started texting for the last two weeks, I asked him for beers finally, since he never seemed to be able to get there (just the tip please!) and he couldn’t make it but asked me to come to meet him at our local watering hole the next night. After making out for me and letting me know he’s been wanting to kiss me ever since he met me, he proceeded to talk to some other girl, then I told him I was leaving, he said he wanted to come, then he proceeded to be locked in a conversation with this girl until I left in disgust. The next day after I told him he was an idiot and a dick over text, he said; “It was great seeing you last night”. WHAT?
Then there was the guy I picked up on the street (redux guy in parking lot at Rose and Crown). Asking me why cool girls always fall for the emotionally unavailable idiots. He was right. It’s true. So true. I’m thinking false starts are just the start of my 2012 learning curve. It’s better than jumping into something destined to fail and mess you up for the chance to have a good start.
Friday, December 9, 2011
guy friends
Having guy friends is a tricky business. Having them isn’t so difficult, but really keeping them as friends and not crossing the line can be. Obviously the dynamic between a guy and a girl is different (if they’re both heterosexual), especially if one is attracted to the other, or both have an attraction for each other, but for one reason or another, want to keep it platonic. Or, one does and the other pretends they’re good with it too. There are several categories of guy friends that are characterized by their own nuances:
The guy friend you would NEVER have sex with
This kind of friend is the best. Especially if they would NEVER have sex with you either. If they really want to, they belong in the next category. In my experience, they may be gay and are fun to shop with or you are so unattracted to them, you consider them like a brother to you. Although, don’t tell them to their face that they are like a brother to you and you would NEVER have sex with them. Especially in front of their friends. Not pretty.
The guy friend you’ve crossed the line with and wish you hadn’t
This is tricky to navigate after the fact. If you do stay friends, it’s sometimes awkward and you have to consistently draw boundaries and make it clear that you’re never bumping uglies again. It’s really tough when you spent so much time before you ‘did the deed’ and then after you realize the awkwardness of spending so much time together when they’re not going to get what they want, and you usually have to have a cooling off period for them to latch on to someone who wants to consistently have sex with them and then get back to the ‘friend zone’. I have one guy friend I regularly have to preface every activity we do together with, ‘we’re not having sex’. Consistent messaging is key.
The guy friend you like but don’t want to ruin the friendship by going any further
This one takes some old age to realize. Obviously the former category was quite prevalent in my younger years, until I started to really hate the sinking feeling you get when you wake up and realize you fucked it all up. This category is for the friend who you love to hang out with, like to talk to, find attractive, but would never be stupid enough to take that further, or luckily, they have a girlfriend.
The guy friend that will for sure become something more
This is the type of guy who you become friends with at first, but you know it will become more, and just fizzle out, or become a relationship. You can’t be friends with this type of guy friend without knowing, deep down, you’re on the road to a hook up. It’s naïve. Just handle with care, depending on how you want it to turn out.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
how to prevent a hangover
- Don't drink, or at least drink less. Instead of having four drinks, try for two, maybe even one. Drink slowly, and as a rule don't consume more than one drink per hour to give your body enough time to break down the alcohol. Also, one drink does not mean a Long Island Tea. We're talking a beer, a small glass of wine, or roughly one ounce of hard liquor. Keep in mind that certain factors help determine your body's ability to metabolize alcohol: weight, height, and overall health. First of all, I clicked on this article to find out how not to feel shitty after drinking and your first tip is 'don't drink'? Are you fucking kidding me? Instead of having four drinks, try for two?!?!?! How many drinks does the bottle and a half of wine i drank last night count towards? And who the fuck drinks Long Island Ice Tea anyways? Sure it's like 6 different shots in a glass, but it's definitely a Ijustturned18 drink. Talk about a party pooper- drink slowly totally negates getting drunk, which is the point of drinking. This would also mean only doing two shots at the bar instead of 5 on top of the 5 beers to get you to do the shots. This person obviously doesn't realize that a hangover just means you had a fabulous time the night before.
- Drink water, and lots of it. Since alcohol dehydrates the body, begin and end your night of drinking with plenty of water, and for every alcoholic beverage you consume, match it with a glass of water.Try remembering this when you're shitfaced.
- Don't drink on an empty stomach. Having food in your stomach helps dilute the concentration of alcohol in your belly.This is why there are $2 pizza joints all over town. Amateur mistake.
- Be choosy with what you drink. Stay away from sugary and carbonated drinks because they speed up the absorption of alcohol into your bloodstream. Drink clear liquors over colored ones: darker alcohol like bourbon or red wine contain more of the toxic substance congeners, which help contribute to hangovers. Don't drink booze from the well either; the cheap stuff has way more congeners than the good stuff. So basically drink Grey Goose straight? Got it.
- Vomit and rally. If you clear the decks for more booze, you have the innate ability of building the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream while simultaneously extricating the booze that got you there. It's like getting drunk when you're already hungover. Easy and it feels damn good.
- Have crazy animal sex. It's like going for a run when you're drunk. You won't be super drunk at the end and you'll sleep like a baby.
- Keep drinking. Since a hangover is basically feeling shitty because of a dip in your blood alcohol level, if you keep drinking, you can completely avoid the whole thing. I recommend beermosas or ceasars for an acceptable morning beverage.
