peaceful

It took me a while to get used to. Not having a nagging anxiety about ‘what was going on’ all the time. Because when you’re in a good relationship – which I’ve recently realized, I’ve NEVER been in – you don’t worry all the time. It’s so, peaceful, so calm. It takes a while to enjoy that feeling, because you wonder, at first, what you’re missing. You wonder if it’s a certain, spark or chemistry that might be missing that spurred all the rollercoaster emotions you used to associate with a relationship, with love even. It turns out, the ‘calm steady’ is even better than the sense of ‘passion and crazy emotion’, because, instead of being a crazy neurotic anxious person, you can just be yourself. You have more time for things you want to do and enjoy those things much more. You can be more in the moment, enjoying time with friends, because you’re not spending the whole time over-analyzing the last thing he said to extract the exact essence of what exact he MEANT. You free up so much mind space to take on more positive emotions and cultivate doing the things you love and the other relationships you need in your life. Instead of being all-consuming, relationships can be complimentary and enriching to your life. Who knew? I’m a thankful, lucky girl lately.

this one's for the girls

They’re the ones who know what you mean when you say something else. They can tell when you’re silently screaming, and bring over a bottle of wine or a hug, chocolate, eye candy, a joke when you most need it.  They listen to you bitch about that no-good bastard you keep taking back countless times, mostly without complaint, and solidarity in your misery. They’re your go-to when you need a date to that thing where you’re not sure if you can take your sort of boyfriend or can’t count that no-good bastard you keep taking back. They’re the ones who tell you you’re way out of line and irrational, even when you don’t want to hear it and handle your silent treatment until you realize what an idiot you were. They’re the ones who look on when you’re on the dancefloor in some sleeze joint making out with a guy who looks like a Jonas brother, but all you really want to do is make out, so they let it slide (and OF COURSE, tease you about it the next day). They’re the ones who don’t pretend they’re not with you even when you’re clumsily imitating your take on stripper moves on a table at the bar, at 9 p.m. They’re the ones who encourage you to go for what you want, even when getting there hurts. They’re the ones who you can cry to without feeling weak or pathetic. They’re the ones you count on, and when that job or that guy falls through, they’ll be there and they’ll help you pick up the pieces. They're the ones you count on more than you know.

stifled

Lately, I have some things I really want to say to people, but I can’t. I know ‘can’t’ sounds extreme, an excuse for being scared of what might happen once I say these things. And it’s true. I’m terrified. For two different reasons though.

With one, I’m terrified that saying anything might just make our relationship worse. Not because it would make them mad, but because they might accept what I’m saying, but nothing would result from the conversation in a way of change (which is what I would be looking for by even bringing up these matters). Then I would be disappointed. It would rot in me, and fester, because I said something, had that ‘critical conversation’, but nothing’s changed, there’s been no positive result. Probably no result at all, except resentment on both sides. On theirs for me bringing it up, and on mine from nothing happening.

With the other, I feel like we’ve reached a plateau. I need to know where we stand and from that, I would know what is okay to ask of them and what’s not. And I don’t think they think we need to have that conversation, I think they think what I need to know is implied. So then, it should be easy to ask, a weight off my shoulders to know. I guess I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and am not so confident that what I think and what they think is aligned. That the implication is not the same as what I think is implied. And then I would be crushed. Not sure I can’t handle that right now. But not sure I can handle not knowing….

anticipation

I'm getting laid tomorrow. This is not just a possibility, it's a guarantee. And trust me, I will be very upset if it doesn't happen. Why so much stock on doing it tomorrow? Because it's almost been 2 weeks. And I'm sorry to those who I've spoken to recently (surprisingly mostly guys) who like to remind me it's been 11 months, or 9 months or whatever. I've been out with these guys. It's their own fault. You don't talk to a girl and describe exactly how you'd bang her two minutes into the conversation. But this is beside the point. Because I am currently only sleeping with one person, as agreed to in a drunken late night conversation after a fit of jealousy made me look like a mean girl (which, trust me, I'm not). Anyways, when you're getting it on the regular, and really it's not the be all and end all, I swear, as contrary to this post as it seems, surprisingly I like to cuddle too, and hang out with the person who I like to bang (a lot). (I know, I know chetch time). It's just, I've been really stressed out lately, and that's one of my stress relievers, which means I've had to resort to other vices (drinking, smoking, eating lots of chocolate) which aren't as healthy as sex. So, with only 30 plus hours left to wait, my mind is a virtual porn movie. (I've only seen one, but I like to think about past (awesome) experiences and think about how great some variation on that would be). Denizens of the world, guess what? Girls really like sex. Most like it a lot.

i just googled: 'what to do if you're so neurotic you can't stand a delay in text message responses'.
awareness is the first step.

dirt collects in
my shoes
wind blows, gusts, swirls,
gritty on
my face.

the torrent disturbs
everything: little things; giant, grizzled
monoliths, but
storms of grime and filth
don't blow me over.
I've been here for too long.

i didn't even know what it was i needed

your words swayed me
your patience soothes me
you kindness surprises [a jaded girl like] me
your gentleness touches
me just
the way I need