A&W and the Opera

This post is about time. How time speeds up and slows down, seemingly arbitrarily. It's quite apropos as my last blog post was ages ago. And why? I think there are lots of reasons. I'm happy. I'm surrounded by great family and friends who I want to live life with and writing out my thoughts doesn't really play into that as heavily anymore. And I'm really busy. This is the kind of busy where you forget to eat and have no food in your fridge. I feel like I've gone from bored out of my mind (i.e. extensive menu planning, online shopping and personal emails at work), to trying to find time to grab a coffee. I'm not complaining, mind you. I like it. I also like balance. I'm sure I'll get there.

Trying to find time to hang out with my guy can be a challenge too. He's busy just like me, and I think most nights we're exhausted, get (to our respective) homes late and just try to feed ourselves/vegetate on the couch. The last couple of days have been a banger (for both) and I was excited to receive free tickets to the Opera. He's never been and I kind of really like that kind of stuff. Thus goes the following scenario:

"What time does it start?"
"7:30"
"Urghhhhhh, yeah I think I can swing that. Can you pick me up from work?"

Then at 5:30 as I'm wrapping up my last meeting I text to find out where he's at. Might not be done till at least 7. I worry about eating (I know, I know, first world problems) cause I can't remember lunch and I'm starting to get hangry. End up grabbing him around 6:30 on the way home and, surprise surprise, no food to make in my fridge (there is ALWAYS beer though).

I collapse on my bed with a beer and can't be bothered to figure out a solution.

Tick tock. Show's gonna start soon. We're both hungry. What do we do?

A&W. Drive thru. In the car.

We end up only 10 minutes late.

I only fall asleep twice. Once because she took too long to die.

Best sleep of my life.

lucky girl

Every day, every minute, every time we're together, I realize how lucky I am to be able to be with someone who is more and more becoming my best buddy. This scares me. I want everything but nothing because, I'm so scared- what if I lose what becomes everything to me?

blue moon

The overwhelming feeling that a milestone has been met is pervading. Last year, around this time, I feel like I wasn’t making confident decisions. I was making decisions out of confusion, a need to try and get some perspective on where I should be going and what I should be doing. It just feels like a better place this year. I can see where things are going and I’m very comfortable with it. It doesn’t feel like a swirling, churning cycle of self-doubt where I second guess what I’m doing. On this blue moon, I want to count my lucky stars for the things that I am grateful for over the last year:

Great friends. Old and new.
I finally feel like I have girls (and some guys) in my life who are there for me, no matter what. And I really mean no matter what. I feel I can rely on them like a family. I feel closer to these people than ever and really trust and rely on them. It was a long road from high school to get here and it feels really good to finally have that support system and those people who you can just be yourself and have fun with.

A secure job.
Yeah- it’s not always the most exciting thing in the world, but my boss treats me like gold and gives me the luxury of actually living my life while pushing me and supporting me in succeeding professionally. Plus, I work with a great group of people who really make the bad days that much better.  

An adult life.
My house is a home. I have dinner parties there. I can have people over and it’s clean and I’m not embarrassed that I live like a college student. I like it there. I have great books. I can take off and go on vacation and come back to my home. I cook my own meals.  I go golfing. I head to the mountains for the weekend. I can take off for Vernon to ski or beach or bike. I have a bike that takes me to the bar. I have plants that aren’t dead.  I can have sex anywhere I want in my house, at any time. Ahhhhh. Finally.

A real relationship.
Isn’t easy. But also doesn’t leave me wondering ALL THE TIME what’s going on, giving me crazy anxiety. I’ve learned to share what I think or what I’m feeling, cause it’s not fair to make him guess. And he's so great about listening and talking it out. He doesn't make me feel like I'm crazy. I was always so worried they’d leave if I said anything. But he’s made me feel secure with what we have. That’s really nice.

I have a feeling this blue moon brings me to the cusp of an entirely new year, and I’m truly grateful for where I’m at. It was a rocky journey, but fingers crossed, this new year will be as fortuitous as the last one.

I was too happy. Content. Thinking I knew. I knew. What I wanted. What we were. I don't know if. That fragment. The naïveté I found in you, the coasting easygoing man, everything I thought I needed. Is?

on paper

In the midst of all the words, sentences, well placed adjectives

There was

Raw fear. Something cherished, without knowing.

The realization of how dear,

And how near,

you are.

Priceless right through fingers,

dropping right out of grasp.

Fear becomes desperate need.  To say, to tell, to share.

Ink drawn lines hold it down.

Once fleeting, fragile

made real.

what's life if you're not really living it?

"I have always lived violently, drunk hugely, eaten too much or not at all, slept around the clock or missed two nights sleep, worked too long and too hard in glory, or slobbed for a time in utter laziness. I’ve lifted, pulled, chopped, climbed, made love with joy and taken my hangovers as a consequence, not as a punishment."
- John Steinbeck

i'm not always the person I think I am

When you said I wasn't a high achiever, or didn't have those characteristics. It hurt. But with all your rational logic, there had to be a reason why. Maybe, I'm not the high achiever I perceived myself to be and maybe, I would perceive myself to be or feel the need to be that way and be completely insulted by that comment. I had to be. I need to beleive I am, it breaks all the ideology I've been raised with. In the wake of this conversation, I've thought alot about what you said. I know I'm flawed. Perceptions are such, we are still trying to see each other without those rose tinted glasses that make it so beautiful, but misleading. You said something about how you're not everything I think you are. I agree. I don't know. I'd love you to share those flaws with me. But that's the whole point. I want to know. And I don't know how long that will take, but I want to be able to say that I know, as fully as I can. I feel you hold back, and I know you want it to make sense to you too, but it leaves me wondering if there's more.  I want to do this right. In some ways, maybe I never wanted to be an over achiever. I just wanted to be happy. Whatever that means. And to me it doesn't necessarily mean succeeding in whatever sense over achieving is. I just felt that pressure. I guess I still do. The only self- hatred I have for myself is directly related to failure in that realm. Failure in being the person I think everyone wants/needs me to be. But that's reality. So I deal, with my denial. And I really like to hide. Hide from those expectations.  But I feel you do to, without ever directly telling me how you feel. I hope we can be more honest about who we really are and what we really want.