no tears for this mourner

My head wasn’t down, but it wasn’t up and I’m surprised I even noticed. As the truck turned the corner, I saw your face. I know you saw me too. It startled me a bit, but it got me thinking of how you just disappeared from my life. There was no fight, no angst, no grief. It just felt good. Natural, normal. Does that make our friendship any less important? Maybe it was just what I needed at the time. We needed each other. Or, I needed you. It was a hard time for me and you were there. Then you were having a hard time too. And I tried to be there for you. But you pushed me away. I persevered knowing you needed a friend, but in the end, you shut me out. You let your problems engross you, turn you into someone I no longer knew. And it was exhausting, always saying the same things, trying to be supportive, when it was always about you. And I didn’t ask for much. At least I think I didn’t. Just someone who thought about me first once in a blue moon to assure me I was part of the friendship too. But I waited, and it became more and more frustrating. I finally realized I was wasting energy. And maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel bad. Maybe I mourned the demise of our friendship before it happened, and that’s why I don’t feel sad. Maybe deep down I know we’ll be friends again when we’re both ready and that’s why I don’t feel sad. Whatever it is, that glimpse of you the other day made me think; Am I the only mourner at this funeral that didn’t cry?