Another reason I haven’t been writing. I doubt most people want to hear the gooey shit that’s oozing out of my pores right now. It’s pretty surprising/gross, even to me. I mean ‘yay! I’m capable of these emotions’, but at the same time, wow, I have nothing hard hitting, witty or caustic to say. It’s not like I’m a different person, I’m just a ridiculously happy person right now, who thinks and writes crap like:
It’s that happy sigh; you can feel with your whole body. When you wake up and you realize you’re so close you could crawl into the other person if it were physically possible. Sleep is so sweet when it’s in perfect tandem.
Gag. Maybe eventually I’ll get my brain back to solid from it’s current mushy state.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
why i've been remiss
I realize I haven't been on here for about a month. Some explaination as to why:
Because, on our first date he knew what I was about. I’d never been with a ‘good guy’ and my patience and my heart work against me even when I know it’s wrong; therefore a prelediction towards sustained emotional abuse. It gave me shivers at how well he could see me. They continue....
Because I’m deliriously happy and don’t feel the need to expel the pain through writing about it here and I want to keep it all to myself because it feels really good.
Because at this moment, everything in my life seems to be shining in a soft rosy glow due to the above, and I have nothing to bitch about.
Because I’m scared to talk about it because it almost seems to good to be true.
Because, on our first date he knew what I was about. I’d never been with a ‘good guy’ and my patience and my heart work against me even when I know it’s wrong; therefore a prelediction towards sustained emotional abuse. It gave me shivers at how well he could see me. They continue....
Because I’m deliriously happy and don’t feel the need to expel the pain through writing about it here and I want to keep it all to myself because it feels really good.
Because at this moment, everything in my life seems to be shining in a soft rosy glow due to the above, and I have nothing to bitch about.
Because I’m scared to talk about it because it almost seems to good to be true.
Friday, December 10, 2010
wisdom
Wisdom seems to be the happy by-product of aging that aids in navigating the foibles of life. When wondering which way to navigate through the rough spots, Wisdom isn’t a map, but it helps you to remember where the pot holes were before, and so, where to look for them while stepping gingerly through the fray. Treading lightly, learning to pick your battles and the virtues of listening over talking also rate on wisdom learned, essential for the evolution from a brash, destructive young woman, to one who looks more closely, thinks more thoroughly and sees more clearly the possibilities for both failure and success.
But gaining wisdom is not without pain and loss. The pain of learning your lesson (as your momma would say) is softened by the possibility you may only have to learn it once. However, the loss of naiveté, is something I mourn daily. Remembering a time when the thought of letting someone really know me didn’t seem to be like touching a stovetop without knowing if it had just been on or not, makes me nostalgic for a pure innocence that wisdom negates.
This year I’ve become wise to the long-held belief that there are fixer uppers out there. There may be, but the only way they can be ‘fixed’ is if they want to, and perhaps, their perception differs from yours in the opinion that they are broken. If you’re faced with habitual behaviour that isn’t something you want to live with, better to move on, before you become tired of asking yourself ‘when he’s gonna change?’
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
community
I’ve never really been a ‘joiner’. Even when I was in choir in high school, or within my friend group, I always wanted to participate in the bare minimum to continue to be part of that community. I think I was protecting myself, my independence, for fear that I might become one of ‘the group’. It’s something many high school kids covet; that sense of belonging, an implicit invitation to all that goes on within the group and, perhaps, one day, to be the focal point of that community. It’s the attention, the drama, the soap opera, that keeps things interesting. But, I had been burned before, when I was much younger, and naïve; believing that people wouldn’t hurt others over politics, popularity, or to gain self-worth.
So, by high school, I made friends easily, but friends of all stripes, from different groups, and kept them at a distance. It gave me the autonomy to do what I wanted, without the implicit expectation that one group would rule me, or cause me to have to play politics to be the top dog. I never wanted to be a leader, but I never wanted to be a follower either. I wanted to be myself, and if people liked me for that, a friendship was possible.
It also burned me too, because I was so intent on being independent and doing my own thing, that when I ended up being self destructive, I easily eliminated the fragile ties one by one.
Back to square one, and luckily, in a new environment, with older, more mature people. It’s not that there weren’t some moments where the ugliness that people manifest when they want to belong or enlarge their sense of self worth within the group didn’t occur; but the playing field was different. In University, you’re not forced to see the same people everyday and participate in those daily group rituals of having someone to have lunch with, etc…. You choose who you want to have lunch with, if you want to have lunch with anyone, that is. That sense of choosing to belong because you want to, not because you have to, was freeing. You realize that you can choose your friends, and those who want to belong choose with whom, whether there is an implicit hierarchy (and therefore game playing required), or not. I chose friends who liked me for being myself and respected my independence as I did theirs. These friends, this community I found, even when I moved away, still supports me.
Psychologists say that socialization in adults occurs when they move into a significantly different environment and must learn a new set of behaviours. I think this occurs most acutely when you start working in ‘the real world’. Finding a community in an environment with people who have varying values and backgrounds and ages can be challenging, and isolating in the beginning; especially when having a foothold in the community can reflect on your job security and therefore lifestyle, as well as many other aspects of the place you spend up to 8 hours a day. Moving back to the city where I had cut ties with most people I had any sense of community with before I left for university made it the loneliest point of my life. The only community I felt a part of was with my family and they are (pretty much) an implicit community.
I’ve realized, that over time, I have established myself at work, have some trusted contacts and am part of a community (it only took three years). I have friends I can talk to about work issues, and some about both work and life stuff, revelations that show trust and intimacy and reassure me of both great friendships and acquaintances. Outside of the office, I’ve discovered people who have similar demands on their lives and are at a similar place in their lives. This means that after work drinks don’t happen till 7 and we don’t always have time to do everything together and we have other friends, but the sense of community remains. Finding a community where independence is valued and ‘joining’ is not required has made me feel less alone in the jungle, and less like the fringe player I was in high school.
So, by high school, I made friends easily, but friends of all stripes, from different groups, and kept them at a distance. It gave me the autonomy to do what I wanted, without the implicit expectation that one group would rule me, or cause me to have to play politics to be the top dog. I never wanted to be a leader, but I never wanted to be a follower either. I wanted to be myself, and if people liked me for that, a friendship was possible.
It also burned me too, because I was so intent on being independent and doing my own thing, that when I ended up being self destructive, I easily eliminated the fragile ties one by one.
Back to square one, and luckily, in a new environment, with older, more mature people. It’s not that there weren’t some moments where the ugliness that people manifest when they want to belong or enlarge their sense of self worth within the group didn’t occur; but the playing field was different. In University, you’re not forced to see the same people everyday and participate in those daily group rituals of having someone to have lunch with, etc…. You choose who you want to have lunch with, if you want to have lunch with anyone, that is. That sense of choosing to belong because you want to, not because you have to, was freeing. You realize that you can choose your friends, and those who want to belong choose with whom, whether there is an implicit hierarchy (and therefore game playing required), or not. I chose friends who liked me for being myself and respected my independence as I did theirs. These friends, this community I found, even when I moved away, still supports me.
Psychologists say that socialization in adults occurs when they move into a significantly different environment and must learn a new set of behaviours. I think this occurs most acutely when you start working in ‘the real world’. Finding a community in an environment with people who have varying values and backgrounds and ages can be challenging, and isolating in the beginning; especially when having a foothold in the community can reflect on your job security and therefore lifestyle, as well as many other aspects of the place you spend up to 8 hours a day. Moving back to the city where I had cut ties with most people I had any sense of community with before I left for university made it the loneliest point of my life. The only community I felt a part of was with my family and they are (pretty much) an implicit community.
I’ve realized, that over time, I have established myself at work, have some trusted contacts and am part of a community (it only took three years). I have friends I can talk to about work issues, and some about both work and life stuff, revelations that show trust and intimacy and reassure me of both great friendships and acquaintances. Outside of the office, I’ve discovered people who have similar demands on their lives and are at a similar place in their lives. This means that after work drinks don’t happen till 7 and we don’t always have time to do everything together and we have other friends, but the sense of community remains. Finding a community where independence is valued and ‘joining’ is not required has made me feel less alone in the jungle, and less like the fringe player I was in high school.
Monday, December 6, 2010
stumbling day
I didn't sleep at all last night. I just tossed and turned. Frustrated, I finally got up and had a snack and my eyes said, "sleep, please!", but apparently my brain was in disagreement.
Now I'm floating through the day, shocked and appalled at the world moving around me. Observing in fascination, rather than feeling it, and knowing I didn't sleep, so I couldn't respond appropriately to the things I should today. Or think anything through, for that matter.
Things happened to me, I happened into them today, that I'd rather forget, or remember later to learn. But the hazy twinge of reality is so far from my conciousness today, that I can't be bothered. So I'm numbed, but I know, a sleeping pill away, I'll be able to forget and rest, only to prolong the inevitable rational/emotional thought process one more night. For my own sanity.
Now I'm floating through the day, shocked and appalled at the world moving around me. Observing in fascination, rather than feeling it, and knowing I didn't sleep, so I couldn't respond appropriately to the things I should today. Or think anything through, for that matter.
Things happened to me, I happened into them today, that I'd rather forget, or remember later to learn. But the hazy twinge of reality is so far from my conciousness today, that I can't be bothered. So I'm numbed, but I know, a sleeping pill away, I'll be able to forget and rest, only to prolong the inevitable rational/emotional thought process one more night. For my own sanity.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
limerence
I think most people I know have directly or indirectly experienced limerence, or, infatuation. I was quite pleased to find out, that rather than being a bizzare freak of nature, my expereince has completely correlated with extensive studies on the matter (thanks Wikipedia!):
Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation).
Although the direction of feeling, i.e. happy versus unhappy, shifts rapidly, the intensity of intrusive and involuntary thinking alters less rapidly, and alters only in response to an accumulation of experiences with the particular limerent object.
Limerence develops and is sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. The base for limerent hope is not in objective reality but reality as it is perceived. The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior for evidence of limerent hope. "Little things" are noticed and endlessly analyzed for meaning.
The belief that the limerent object does not and will not reciprocate can only come about with great difficulty. Limerence can be carried quite far before acknowledgment of rejection is genuine, especially if it has not been addressed openly by the object of limerence.
The average limerent reaction duration, from the moment of initiation until a feeling of neutrality is reached, is approximately three years. The extremes may be as brief as a few weeks or as long as several decades.
Limerence generally lasts about four months, but further studies on unrequited limerence have suggested longer durations.
Great. I’ve wasted at least this long experiencing unrequited limerence perpetuated by a party who consistently leveraged this (obvious or insinuated) weakness to his own end and maintained the perfect balance of hope and uncertainty. I can’t time travel to January 2010 to erase these accumulated experiences, but I can finally face an objective reality (that he is a fucking idiot), to ensure I no longer experience this secret shame. Hopefully knowledge is power, because I think I have somewhat of an addictive personality with a propensity for limerence. I’m embracing neutrality and eschewing mercy.
Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation).
Although the direction of feeling, i.e. happy versus unhappy, shifts rapidly, the intensity of intrusive and involuntary thinking alters less rapidly, and alters only in response to an accumulation of experiences with the particular limerent object.
Limerence develops and is sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. The base for limerent hope is not in objective reality but reality as it is perceived. The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior for evidence of limerent hope. "Little things" are noticed and endlessly analyzed for meaning.
The belief that the limerent object does not and will not reciprocate can only come about with great difficulty. Limerence can be carried quite far before acknowledgment of rejection is genuine, especially if it has not been addressed openly by the object of limerence.
The average limerent reaction duration, from the moment of initiation until a feeling of neutrality is reached, is approximately three years. The extremes may be as brief as a few weeks or as long as several decades.
Limerence generally lasts about four months, but further studies on unrequited limerence have suggested longer durations.
Great. I’ve wasted at least this long experiencing unrequited limerence perpetuated by a party who consistently leveraged this (obvious or insinuated) weakness to his own end and maintained the perfect balance of hope and uncertainty. I can’t time travel to January 2010 to erase these accumulated experiences, but I can finally face an objective reality (that he is a fucking idiot), to ensure I no longer experience this secret shame. Hopefully knowledge is power, because I think I have somewhat of an addictive personality with a propensity for limerence. I’m embracing neutrality and eschewing mercy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)