The best gift I ever gave……was probably something I made when I was little and gave to my mommy out of pure love and not the materialistic shit I purchase with my maxxed out credit card nowadays.
My most inspiring holiday moment…..was getting really stoned with all of my cousins on Christmas Eve and revelling in the snowy world, the glowy lights and the sense of togetherness we had from trying to conceal how high we really were when we got home to our drunken parents.
The worst gift I ever got…..came from Santa and was wrapped in the same Christmas paper I had previously discovered while snooping in my Grandparents closet. That’s the year I discovered Santa wasn’t real.
If I could sit on Santa’s lap I’d ask for……What? I still can’t sit on Santa’s lap? Bump that. Last time I sat on Santa’s lap, I was eighteen and I asked him for a texas mickey of Rye. This time I’d ask him for a car that has no broken signal lights and where I can lift the hood so I can actually use windshield washer fluid and get an oil change. For fantasy’s sakes, it’d be a very cool 78’ oldsmobile pimped out snoop doggy style. Then I could wear my furs and fedora with it and rep like I’m already an eccentric old lady. Cane required.
One time I stood under the mistletoe……and wished that the first boy I loved still loved me. It took me a long long time to realize that even if I got that kiss, it didn’t mean what it used to. And, that no kiss would ever come from that place when you love someone with so much naïveté, you can’t ever imagine that they would do anything to hurt you or you them. And, you look back and can’t believe you didn’t enjoy it more at the time.
One time, when I drank spiked egg nog……one time? Come on now, many times during the holidays when I drink spiked and straight anything, my family likes to play inappropriate games where you realize your grandma might still be getting lucky and the form response to most questions is ‘hookers and booze’. Obviously being drunk is required.
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