*le sigh

I have no words. *le sigh

limerence

I think most people I know have directly or indirectly experienced limerence, or, infatuation. I was quite pleased to find out, that rather than being a bizzare freak of nature, my expereince has completely correlated with extensive studies on the matter (thanks Wikipedia!):

Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation).

Although the direction of feeling, i.e. happy versus unhappy, shifts rapidly, the intensity of intrusive and involuntary thinking alters less rapidly, and alters only in response to an accumulation of experiences with the particular limerent object.

Limerence develops and is sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. The base for limerent hope is not in objective reality but reality as it is perceived. The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior for evidence of limerent hope. "Little things" are noticed and endlessly analyzed for meaning.

The belief that the limerent object does not and will not reciprocate can only come about with great difficulty. Limerence can be carried quite far before acknowledgment of rejection is genuine, especially if it has not been addressed openly by the object of limerence.

The average limerent reaction duration, from the moment of initiation until a feeling of neutrality is reached, is approximately three years. The extremes may be as brief as a few weeks or as long as several decades.

Limerence generally lasts about four months, but further studies on unrequited limerence have suggested longer durations.

Great. I’ve wasted at least this long experiencing unrequited limerence perpetuated by a party who consistently leveraged this (obvious or insinuated) weakness to his own end and maintained the perfect balance of hope and uncertainty. I can’t time travel to January 2010 to erase these accumulated experiences, but I can finally face an objective reality (that he is a fucking idiot), to ensure I no longer experience this secret shame. Hopefully knowledge is power, because I think I have somewhat of an addictive personality with a propensity for limerence. I’m embracing neutrality and eschewing mercy.

just because you can, doesn't mean you should...

Sacré bleu! Half way through October and I haven’t written. There's been work and sleeping, and in between, shopping, procrastinating on ‘chores’ I should be doing, and finding distractions both bad and good. Perhaps I need a new hobby other than screwing, drinking and writing (which, obviously, has been the lesser of the three lately). However whilst living life, I have learned some important lessons:

1. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. This means screwing other people over, or screwing over yourself inadvertently by screwing other people.
2. Sometimes we are seeking the attention without knowing it, and without knowing why. That’s why you keep screwing the people who screw you over. You can only prove the other person right by losing your dignity.
3. Sometimes the ‘why’ is something that you may never get. Whether that’s acknowledgement of some type of relationship (the recognition that, yes, you get together and talk occasionally and he considers you his confidante), the need to be the centre of someone’s world, or just the knowledge you could have the companionship if you wanted to, (on a Sunday morning, without warning, with pancakes, and a nice movie and maybe some sex).
4. Sometimes the ‘why’ is something you think you want, but once you get it you might realize you don’t. It’s a scary place to be. What if you get what you want and hate it?
5. Many ‘people’ (I’m not going to single out men here…), have lived their lives doing what they do and getting what they get by manipulating others so they don’t have to do it themselves. If you continue to do these things for them, you’re officially their bitch. Don’t do these things for these people anymore. In a nice way. Remember, you are #1.
6. If people are pissing you off, just stop talking and stare at them intently and let them babble on until they realize how stupid they are, or until some other, more aggressive person decides to die on that hill. This is Michael Corelone style. And it works, I’ve tried it.
7. Saying no sometimes makes other people realize why they need to step up their game. A half-assed request shouldn’t always get a yes. Saying no lets you keep your dignity and ensures you’re not just someone to rely on when it’s convenient. If they’re really invested you and not just the first person who says yes, they’ll ask again.

If life’s a game, I want to learn the rules so I can play to win. Hopefully these lessons will up the ante. (Did I mention these were not a result of the 'hard knock school of life lessons'? It was pretty fun along the way).

under my rug

You left your boxer briefs at my place. We looked in vain for a half hour and after you'd left I found them under my rug. Now, I'm going to put them in a clear plastic bag, hoping your roomates will find them, in your mailbox, with one of the following notes displayed:

Dearest,
I found these next to the sink in the kitchen. Looks like you got into some hanky panky while your father and I were out of town.
xoxo
Mom

Hi Hot Stuff,
Thanks for last nite.
xxx
Pablo

Peter Pan,
You left these when you made your way hastily out of never never land after our rowdy night.
Yours,
Roofeo

Hi,
You still owe me $40. I don't give extras for free. My pimp knows where you live.
Yolanda

I just think it's funny. Tee hee.

gently

The weeks have gone by so quickly lately and some days the hours are stretched by the sensation that everything is sticky and hard and you’re exhausted from the exertion. But then, some days, like today, feel gentle, they flow smoothly and there is a sense of calm. The perspective has had a chance to shift, with enough calm to encourage reflection. Because, when its go go go, how can you even reflect when you’re constantly rushed and exhausted.

The tables have turned, and instead of feeling helpless, I’ve realized a sense of control. Achieved through an objective lens, the patience of a saint, and a feeling of pre-possession over my actions without regret. Instead of pushing, I watch, wait, and see. People aren’t filled with a sudden sense of enlightenment because I want them to, they don’t change to be someone who cares about me in a way that I need on a dime. It grows; and it grows as they let it grow. And if they find the place where they can be there for me the way I need and I for them, then harmony happens. Friendship happens. Things happen. But things change.

Things have changed a lot in the last month. And it’s happened quickly. So quickly I haven’t had time to process and step back and see the whole picture. Perhaps it’s a blessing. Because then I can’t over think, over analyze, cut it into pieces, where actions put out of context and words without context make the whole, overwhelm the frame. But I have felt a distinct change in my perspective, without the luxury of reflection. And now, I’m just going to enjoy this, I’m going to go gently. I want to eschew the anxiety that anticipation and expectations for the future bring. One day of calm and gentle enjoyment of where I am without worrying where I was or where I’m going.

beer runnings

Sunday morning. 8am. My alarm blares on and I’m convinced I’ve only been sleeping for a minute and just got home from a night of dancing. I know why it’s going off, and I reluctantly, slowly, roll out of bed and try to figure out my next move. The only thing I can manage is to put on my running stuff. I can’t even think if I need to eat or drink or bring anything for the race. I realize my car was left downtown last night, so I grab my bike keys and think it’ll be a snap to ride to the race start. It seems to go so slow. I knew my tires were low, but I’m now wondering if it makes this morning ride in the rain seem to take forever. I arrive, bleary eyed and sweating, find my running buddy and manage half a bottle of vitamin water before we start. I’m too numb and brainless to wonder or think that this might be difficult or that I should have stayed at home. After the first 5 km, I start to feel good, my head is clearer, the fresh air feels good. The last 2 km, I’m convincing myself and my running buddy that we’re almost done. We finish, I hug my mom at the finish line, her face wrinkling in disgust.

“You smell…like booze.”

I ask my running partner if she noticed. “O, well at first I kept getting wafts, but I thought it might go away after a while, but no, you pretty much smelled boozy the whole run.”

If I’d have jumped in the river after the run, I’d have done a triathlon.

Life list: 10k while still drunk. Check.

peace out

It was awesome. I told him that his mother would be proud and it's true. When he dropped me off, I gave him the peace sign as a goodbye. I'm possibly a dude psychologically. Peace out.

Sent from my iPhone