guy friends

Having guy friends is a tricky business. Having them isn’t so difficult, but really keeping them as friends and not crossing the line can be. Obviously the dynamic between a guy and a girl is different (if they’re both heterosexual), especially if one is attracted to the other, or both have an attraction for each other, but for one reason or another, want to keep it platonic. Or, one does and the other pretends they’re good with it too. There are several categories of guy friends that are characterized by their own nuances:

The guy friend you would NEVER have sex with

This kind of friend is the best. Especially if they would NEVER have sex with you either. If they really want to, they belong in the next category. In my experience, they may be gay and are fun to shop with or you are so unattracted to them, you consider them like a brother to you. Although, don’t tell them to their face that they are like a brother to you and you would NEVER have sex with them. Especially in front of their friends. Not pretty.

The guy friend you’ve crossed the line with and wish you hadn’t

This is tricky to navigate after the fact. If you do stay friends, it’s sometimes awkward and you have to consistently draw boundaries and make it clear that you’re never bumping uglies again. It’s really tough when you spent so much time before you ‘did the deed’ and then after you realize the awkwardness of spending so much time together when they’re not going to get what they want, and you usually have to have a cooling off period for them to latch on to someone who wants to consistently have sex with them and then get back to the ‘friend zone’. I have one guy friend I regularly have to preface every activity we do together with, ‘we’re not having sex’. Consistent messaging is key.

The guy friend you like but don’t want to ruin the friendship by going any further

This one takes some old age to realize. Obviously the former category was quite prevalent in my younger years, until I started to really hate the sinking feeling you get when you wake up and realize you fucked it all up. This category is for the friend who you love to hang out with, like to talk to, find attractive, but would never be stupid enough to take that further, or luckily, they have a girlfriend.

The guy friend that will for sure become something more

This is the type of guy who you become friends with at first, but you know it will become more, and just fizzle out, or become a relationship. You can’t be friends with this type of guy friend without knowing, deep down, you’re on the road to a hook up. It’s naïve. Just handle with care, depending on how you want it to turn out.

how to prevent a hangover

Found this article via fitsugar:

• Don't drink, or at least drink less. Instead of having four drinks, try for two, maybe even one. Drink slowly, and as a rule don't consume more than one drink per hour to give your body enough time to break down the alcohol. Also, one drink does not mean a Long Island Tea. We're talking a beer, a small glass of wine, or roughly one ounce of hard liquor. Keep in mind that certain factors help determine your body's ability to metabolize alcohol: weight, height, and overall health. First of all, I clicked on this article to find out how not to feel shitty after drinking and your first tip is 'don't drink'? Are you fucking kidding me? Instead of having four drinks, try for two?!?!?! How many drinks does the bottle and a half of wine i drank last night count towards? And who the fuck drinks Long Island Ice Tea anyways? Sure it's like 6 different shots in a glass, but it's definitely a Ijustturned18 drink. Talk about a party pooper- drink slowly totally negates getting drunk, which is the point of drinking. This would also mean only doing two shots at the bar instead of 5 on top of the 5 beers to get you to do the shots. This person obviously doesn't realize that a hangover just means you had a fabulous time the night before.
  

• Drink water, and lots of it. Since alcohol dehydrates the body, begin and end your night of drinking with plenty of water, and for every alcoholic beverage you consume, match it with a glass of water.Try remembering this when you're shitfaced.
  
• Don't drink on an empty stomach. Having food in your stomach helps dilute the concentration of alcohol in your belly.This is why there are $2 pizza joints all over town. Amateur mistake.
  
• Be choosy with what you drink. Stay away from sugary and carbonated drinks because they speed up the absorption of alcohol into your bloodstream. Drink clear liquors over colored ones: darker alcohol like bourbon or red wine contain more of the toxic substance congeners, which help contribute to hangovers. Don't drink booze from the well either; the cheap stuff has way more congeners than the good stuff. So basically drink Grey Goose straight? Got it.
  
• Vomit and rally. If you clear the decks for more booze, you have the innate ability of building the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream while simultaneously extricating the booze that got you there. It's like getting drunk when you're already hungover. Easy and it feels damn good.
  
• Have crazy animal sex. It's like going for a run when you're drunk. You won't be super drunk at the end and you'll sleep like a baby.
• Keep drinking. Since a hangover is basically feeling shitty because of a dip in your blood alcohol level, if you keep drinking, you can completely avoid the whole thing. I recommend beermosas or ceasars for an acceptable morning beverage.
  

maxed out?

Just watched a period piece where one love is enough. Modern world: I say no. You want more. You want perfect. Does this happen. I've loved three times. Really loved. Am I maxed out?

universal riddle

When you want him, he's never available.

When he's available, you don't want him.

first love

...wish it could always look like this.

a housecat let loose in the jungle

An innocuous text about an office party led me down the garden path to a world I never knew about last week.

It all started with this, at 4:05 p.m. on a Thursday: “Watcha doin! Oilfield party tonight you should come”

A couple of texts later I learned that it was an office party, going till 6. The invitee was my airplane boyfriend, which is a whole ‘nother story for a whole ‘nother day, but to set things on the right path, we are completely platonic.

Needless to say, I wasn’t even sure I was going to go, which is always how the best stories start. I ended up sick of people and work at around 5, and managed to get to the office party around quarter to six.

My airplane boyfriend met me in the lobby, then took me to the office and started introducing me around. Then he started introducing me around, again. I quickly realized he was shit faced. We laughed about it and he offered me a drink. We went back to the kitchen area, which by this point had morphed into a full scale bar, complete with 5 texas mickeys, cases of wine and beer. Still unsure of how long I wanted to be there, I went for a beer – plus being part-native means I shouldn’t ever touch the mickeys.

Big talkers with big stories were these oilmen. Characteristically sleazy, the owner actually said things to me like, “you look like you have a great body under there”, and “just a little kiss”, and “I just want to talk to you”, in the midst of trying to pet me.

After my third beer, the above and some other characteristically slimy and un-characteristically nice people started to become infinitely entertaining and I decided to hang on. Airplane Boyfriend promised that at the end of the rainbow was a nice steak dinner, paid for by some start up oil related company, so I held on. In addition to liking drinking, I love to eat, and we live in cowtown where the steak is worth the wait.

However, the wait became a little arduous, I’m quite the hypoglycaemic (I know, I know, this makes me sound like a whiny hypochondriac), but it was, let’s get out of here and get some food, or I’m leaving to find my own. I’m a big girl; I know where all the $2 pizza slice joints in the city are.

So we left. Airplane Boyfriend and his baby faced friend who had talked to me about travelling and relationships and who knows what because I was drunk by that point. We ended up at their office, which hadn’t been decimated by some rowdy ‘office warming’ party, and had a sublime rooftop patio overlooking downtown. Blasting some rap and watching the stars – sounds romantic right? The friend sure thought so, and before I knew it, we were making out. Niggling at the back of my head, was that he had a girlfriend, he was in an 8 month relationship, I kept pulling away, asking where my rational thought had gone. I started to question the allure of ‘downtown’. I was like a housecat let loose in the jungle.

Another girl showed up and we headed to the Vintage. I couldn’t tell if she was Airplane Boyfriend’s girlfriend, but her name started with a C and I knew he was dating a C, so I assumed so. I vaguely remember some type of girl gossip/bonding session in the bathroom. I had two bites of the sublime prime rib. We made out instead of ate. I have no idea if I drank, and if so, what. I wind down at this point.

Airplane Boyfriend and C leave. Niggling feeling doesn’t. I know he wants to take me home, but I’m a big girl now and need to handle these situations with some inkling of class. Sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend is not classy. So I leave him, cold on the street and take a cab home, out of the jungle.

heartburn

Not to be mistaken with heartache, I have heartburn. It's this sick feeling that comes from my gut, and burns all the way up. It's the feeling that I created on my own. That's the part that makes me feel sick. No one did this to me, I subjected myself to a sustained situation where I basically gave a minor a license to drive drunk. I knew he couldn't do it, I just really really wanted him to be able to do it this time. So, shame on you the first time, shame on me the second time. But what about the seventh or eighth time? Pure insanity. I'm sick of myself frankly, and sick of what I'm created. If what we did together was a crime, we'd both get a life sentence. At this point, I feel like I deserve it, but feel incredibly lucky I got away.

d-runk. work stylez.

I started to notice today that my spelling is off. Also, it's incredibly fun to play with bolding and CAPS and spell thingz with a z. This points to the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk from last night and have to be at work and that must be what you do when you are, as I am, d-runk at workz........

Other signs that you are under the influence at work:

• Did the lights get brighter, or did I always need my shades inside
• That typing noise is really fucking loud
• People are backing away slowly when they talk to you. Probably smell like a barroom floor.
• Writing an email to colleagues with one liners, like "Shut up!"
• Listening to club music and swearing the lights are flickering to the beat
• Suddenly the grimy carpet looks inviting for a nap
• Wondering if the vegetable juice down in the cafeteria might mimic the effects of a Caesar
• Trailing off mid-sentence because you have no idea what you just said or who you said it to, where are you again?

Time to go home. Or time for post-work drinks. If you can't fight it, join it!

sometimes, in the morning

...I wake up and think about all of the things still in store for me. It gives me a shiver of excitement. Hope.

...I wake up and think about all of the things still in store for me. Makes me want to cry.

Get there. Stop.

r.e.s.p.e.c.t

You won’t get respect if you don’t earn it. I’ve always wondered ‘why?’ is he treating me this way, or why are they doing this to me. It’s because they can, because I let them. No more. I’m learning (love getting old!).

Got a 2 a.m. text from the ex asking if he could come over. Sure, we’d been texting earlier in the night. But I hadn’t heard from him in days before that. Nothing. And that was after we had had a pretty mind blowing hookup. I was mad. Mad at myself for letting him make me feel that way again. I wrote a million notes in my head to him, telling him, your double standard isn’t fair (as in, when you want it, it’s okay, but when I do, he’s never available/says no), you don’t treat me the way you should. I never thought I’d hear from him again. But I did. I keep my tone neutral, didn’t commit to anything. Then he bragged about being out and I didn’t respond. Then the 2 a.m text.

This morning, I thought I could maybe just leave it and he’d feel bad. But, I also don’t think he’s emotionally evolved enough to make his own realization to that conclusion. So, I wrote him the following:

Hey- I did get your text last night – and I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but it made me feel like an afterthought. Don’t get me wrong, I really like hanging out with you- but when you want a late night after I haven’t heard from you for a couple of days…..it just doesn’t feel nice.

He apologized, said it wasn’t very respectful of him.

And that’s earning respect; communicating how their actions made you feel and that you’re not tolerating it. A response that isn’t catty or presumptive, just clear and straightforward, with a bit of padding for (his) pride’s sake.

I’m proud of myself for doing this. That’s for sure.

not happening

Things I refuse to do (now that I'm old;):
Feel guilt
Compromise me for him or you
Worry about conclusions other people have come to
Apologize for things that I shouldn't be sorry for (see 'feel guilt' above)

how much?

I had a thought the other day that if I, in fact, ever want to be a writer, I can’t be consumed with something else in my life. When I’m really in a dark place, I come to the conclusion that this means I can’t be happy or in love and am destined to be a spinster. But maybe that’s not the answer. Maybe, it’s not healthy to be in an all-consuming relationship that blinds you to life. Because, when that fades, what are you left with? And, when it’s all consuming, and everything else in your life is relegated to the back burner, and then all of a sudden it’s gone, that is a deep loss, you stumble as to what to do next, re—establish some things you cherished, fumble on where to go next. I thought love was all about attention, being the centre of someone’s universe, and maybe it is, but maybe it’s an undercurrent, where you’re being yourself, doing your thing and they appreciate it, and love you for it, but don’t smother you with it. It doesn’t feel as visceral, but who says that’s what love is? How much is too much?

in between hello and goodbye

In between Hello and Goodbye there is a place, where ambiguity rules and all future possibilities are clear except for one thing, which one will actually manifest in your life. Choices are one thing, but in relationships you depend on the other person to agree or disagree with your choices and consensus is the future path your life will take. In between Hello and Goodbye can be a tense, anxious place where, you’re like a kid at Christmas and you just can’t wait to find out what you got, but at the same time, you could be disappointed with Santa’s failings. Or, you could get what you wanted and realize it wasn’t what you thought it would be. In between Hello and Goodbye can be a place where everything is possible and you feel you have the whole world in front of you, you’re just waiting for life to start. You never know what you’re building in between Hello and Goodbye. It could be the house of your dreams or a temporary resting stop until you find that place. In between Hello and Goodbye you find out a lot about yourself, something that, no matter how anxious you feel about that place, is something that will only make you stronger, wiser, and closer to where you want to be.

secrets

i've been keeping a lot of secrets lately. this is unusual as I'm known for being really honest, maybe too honest sometimes. maybe they're secrets, or maybe i'm just keeping my cards close to my chest. i don't want to know what people think of my choices lately and i know if I tell them they'll weigh in, and to be honest, I don't care what they say. so i'm keeping lots of secrets. it's driving me a little crazy, but let's call it discretion, and discretion can never be a bad thing.

choked

I’m choked. I’m known for being honest and open, and with everything that’s been happening lately, I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet. It’s like I can’t find the words to say how I feel, and I don’t want to create more drama than I already have. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I wish I could say what I meant without hurting anyone.

I can feel your relief when I don’t mention him, it feels like you wouldn’t mind if he just disappeared out of my life to become a distant memory. This has been one of the most emotionally mature relationships I’ve been in, and while I consider where this relationship fits in my life I can’t help but consider the strain of feeling uncomfortable both mentioning him and leaving him out of the narrative. I can feel the tension in the room when he’s brought up and I take it as disregard toward one of the most important relationships in my life, someone who’s been my best friend for the last while. When I leave it out of the narrative, say I watched a movie alone, or went to the farmers market alone, the feeling of relief I get from you makes me sad, makes me feel like you’d rather I’d be alone than with someone you feel is wildly inappropriate for me. The irony is, you raised me not to judge, and I feel that’s what you’re doing.

You might wonder why I haven’t really been around lately, or you might chalk it up to me wanting to be alone because of what happened. The truth is, I think you were too truthful with me and you closed the door to me wanting to be honest about what’s going on. I know it’s a typical girl reaction when a guy is hurting your friend to rally against him, and say he was never good enough, and you never really liked him in the first place and I’m so much better than him and I could have any guy I want and you always wondered why I was with him. But I never did, and even though we’re not together, I still respect him. He never treated me badly, never disrespected me. Now, I’m trying to decide if and where he might fit in my life. I don’t think I can explore those options with you, it seems like you slammed the door shut with your condemnation. I’d feel shy about telling you if we got back together. I fell silly talking to you about the details of this process I’m going through. I know you had the best intentions, but I need you to know why I’ve been so M.I.A.

I try to live my life without disregard for others, and without making decisions in isolation without consideration of those people who are important to me. I’m at a loss in this however, and luckily enough I have some other great friends in my life to listen and help, even if at the moment, I’m a blubbering idiot, choked with the thought of trying to elucidate my feelings.

rotten

I'm sad. Very sad. And broke. Very broke. So I can't even assauge my sadness in mindless shopping. Lucky for me I have enough bottles of wine to last me through the week. Lucky? to not think would be. work distracts. slightly. just feeling rotten. to the core.

mini-vacation

While we were away:

We ate at a fifties diner in Golden and sat by the Jukebox but we didn’t want to scare the elderly that populated the place so he squirmed at the possibility that when I put coins in the machine, I may pick “My Humps”. Drank a cold pint and some cutlets with mashed potatoes and mixed veggies, reminded me of Grandma’s sides.

We had several leisurely mornings, devouring both newspapers for the day, drinking copious amounts of coffee and eating what he proclaimed as breakfast made by the woman who makes the best breakfasts ever.

We declared eleven am as cocktail hour and drank too many beermosas rendering us quite sauced in the afternoons which we spent playing scrabble, crib, and golf.

We played golf with a lovely 85 year old named Basil, who beat the pants off of us and most likely highlighted our afternoon condition.

We spent an afternoon with my grandparents, sat on the patio and then the boys retired to play an excessive amount of pool while the girls gabbed until dusk.

We cuddled, a lot.

We spent the last afternoon tanning on the driveway and moaning over our luck that the last day was the only sunny day.

We left; relaxed, sunburned, and happy.

honeymoon's over?

I think we’re past the honeymoon stage. If I measure our time together using what we deemed to be our ‘anniversary’- the day we first met- May 31 would have been our 7 month ‘anniversary’. Of course I don’t believe in this stuff, but his words are coming back to haunt me.

“Are we at six months already? I start to act like an asshole after that,” he said jokingly.

I laughed then, thinking the blissful dome of happy we had created couldn’t be penetrated by timelines. It comes a month late, so maybe they don’t, but maybe we’re past what they call – ‘the honeymoon phase’. I imagine this as having a soundtrack of chirping birds and tasting so sweet making everything look rosy and new. And at the time, I didn’t realize it. But now we’ve hit a bump and at the bottom of it, I can still see and hear and smell that phase, but I can’t reach it.

I know it’s only a bump, but it feels a little like a precarious balancing act. Things could go so wrong. It’s kind of scary and reminds me of why I never really committed before this. I constantly have a knot in my stomach. But this time, I’m standing up for myself and not backing down—and if it means he wants to leave me; he doesn’t really love me as much as he says, ‘cause he would stay. I don’t want him to prostrate with his apologies, but I like when he at least acknowledges the fault or the bad. This time our fight was a little different- him more defensive, me more frustrated.

And I don’t feel it was resolved – but it’s only been one day. Obviously I’m a newbie at couples fighting.

So here’s hoping we just tripped and fell and need some time to brush ourselves off and walk off into the sunset with the chirping birds and rosy view and sweet taste in our mouths.

broken barrier

he farted in front of me. It was awesome.
You may wonder why, but for me it was a new level in our relationship. We talked about it. We talked about pooping too. Which makes things less awkward and constipated feeling all around. Not like we'll go around farting in front of each other all the time now. Because that's not romantic or conducive to getting it on. Everything just feels more honest now. And really, what's love but still liking your partner even when they're stinky once in a while.

why running is unladylike

I was running to catch a light the other morning, and all of a sudden had a sharp pain on my shin. Looking down, I saw my iPhone flying towards a patch of grass and realized my bag had flown open. Looking up the path I’d been running, I realized my things were strewn all over the place and would have to (ungraciously) go and retrieve them.

Suddenly, I flashed back to a moment several months ago when I was working on a media availability with my EVP. He wanted to go see the space we planned to use and I was just finishing up an email as he was walking out the door. I ran to catch up in my heels and dress and he gave me a look like I was on another planet. “Why would you run?” he said. I was mortified.

These two experiences have led me to the conclusion that running is unladylike and should be avoided at all costs. If you want to arrive as a lady: calm, collected, put together – you walk. If you want to arrive looking like an unorganized sloppy teenager, and feel like one, you run. Just think of the image of everything flopping and the sweat slowly accumulating under your arms and on your forehead. Do you think Elizabeth Taylor ever arrived anywhere looking like that? No. She made it a point to be late. She was even late for her funeral. So, in the interests of everyone you're meeting, running should be relegated to you’re late for a plane, train or bus (that you cannot catch the next one), or you’re running for sport (i.e. dressed to sweat).

life makes me miss you

I spent two hours on Sunday night being completely annoyed by Elizabeth Gilbert’s narcissism for a third time (read the book and another one of her books) while viewing the film version of Eat, Pray, Love. The scenery however, was not hard to look at. Hello James Franco and Javier Bardem. One thing stuck with me though. There’s a part where Julia is shacking up with James as her rebound man and they’re in some studio apartment in Brooklyn spending copious amounts of time together (probably due to being broke and living in such a small place) and he says to her, “You never give me a chance to miss you.”

Lately I don’t want a chance to miss him. I miss him all day when I’m at work and I miss him nights where we don’t sleep together. Sometimes we spend the entire 48 hours of the weekend together and I worry that maybe he’s bored or it’s too much, but it doesn’t seem like that at all. We can sit around doing nothing, but we’re doing nothing together and it feels so much better that way. I’m sure we’re still in what’s called the ‘honeymoon stage’ but it just seems to get better and better. I’m going to enjoy these rose tinted lenses for now. And luckily, life gives me a chance to miss him all the time.

bits

This is the best I've felt on March 18th for the last three years. I never expect to party that hard on St. Paddy's day for a few reasons; I'm not a bit Irish, it's during the week, and I don't like green beer. But somehow I always end up with a large guilt sprial the next day, unable to get out of bed. Calling in sick every March 18th really doesn't fly after a while.

Last night, was fun, random, with lots of memorable bits:

I met some guys in line, one was wearing a denim scarf, we got to talking while we waited together and he asked me for my number before he decided to quit waiting. He said he wanted to take me on a date. This is the first time this has happened since I've been with my guy, and I tried not to make it too awkward.

me: "Ummmmm, I don't think so"
him: "How come?"
me: "I've got a man, but we could go on a friend date?"

That was definitley not a good tactic either, because, understandably, my guy didn't like that at all. Maybe just one of those moments you don't share. Except now line dude is texting me. Dilemma ensues.

Then there was the guy with a dreadlock mowhawk. Yes. Just think on that for a while. It was epic. Who proposed to me on one knee while I was waiting at the bar for a drink. Him and his buddy thought I looked just like Michelle Pfeiffer. That tells me they're old.

Then my guy surprised me and showed up and told me he loved me. Even better, he brought me advil and orange juice this morning and made me pancakes while I was still sleeping. BOOM. Love that. I'm definitley a happy girl today.

blue valentine

Happy Valentines to all the lovers out there. I think I woke up on the wrong side of bed. Perhaps the expectation that you should be feeling happy on a day like today, or that I woke up and realized that my lover was thousands of kilometres away and I was alone in bed, wide awake at a ridiculous hour this morning that really got me going. Or, the colleague who chattered in my ear incessantly about benign items after he spurned an asinine media availability that I had to be his bitch for. Or, it could be the large amount of people asking stupid questions, perhaps due to being love struck-but unfortunately, not mute at the same time.

There are a few things that make me happy inside today (which unfortunately is not translating to my face, sacre bleu, this may cause some wrinkles if I don’t lighten up).

1. The thought of drinking wine and eating copious amounts of chocolate tonight---not because I need to, because I CAN, because that seems to be acceptable behaviour for Valentines Day.

2. Hot pink lace panties I bought as a V day gift for myself. Peeing is cheerful!

3. The red travel mug my parents got me for V day. It keeps my beverages cold or hot for up to 4 hours. Nerdy, I know, but really really awesome.

4. The Reese heart one of my co workers gave me at 9 am. I would have killed someone if not for the sugar fix.

I know it’s not much, but on a day like today, one must console oneself with the small pleasures in life. The big ones don’t always coincide with a day earmarked for lovers.

mush brain

Another reason I haven’t been writing. I doubt most people want to hear the gooey shit that’s oozing out of my pores right now. It’s pretty surprising/gross, even to me. I mean ‘yay! I’m capable of these emotions’, but at the same time, wow, I have nothing hard hitting, witty or caustic to say. It’s not like I’m a different person, I’m just a ridiculously happy person right now, who thinks and writes crap like:

It’s that happy sigh; you can feel with your whole body. When you wake up and you realize you’re so close you could crawl into the other person if it were physically possible. Sleep is so sweet when it’s in perfect tandem.

Gag. Maybe eventually I’ll get my brain back to solid from it’s current mushy state.

why i've been remiss

I realize I haven't been on here for about a month. Some explaination as to why:

Because, on our first date he knew what I was about. I’d never been with a ‘good guy’ and my patience and my heart work against me even when I know it’s wrong; therefore a prelediction towards sustained emotional abuse. It gave me shivers at how well he could see me. They continue....

Because I’m deliriously happy and don’t feel the need to expel the pain through writing about it here and I want to keep it all to myself because it feels really good.

Because at this moment, everything in my life seems to be shining in a soft rosy glow due to the above, and I have nothing to bitch about.

Because I’m scared to talk about it because it almost seems to good to be true.