one day late

walking with his head down, eveloped by a dark countenance, visibly separated from what was now. what had was all. his long dark curls bounced with his slow gait, his face peering down with a pointed intensity, as if he could decode the cracks in the sidewalk. the dark overcoat insinuated a much colder day, and the wooden cane aged him beyond his years. visually distinct, separated from a reality where most people were celebrating the first day of sun after a long winter.

Perhaps he was one day late.

fuzzy edges

The feeling when you've been napping too much. You wake, and look around; spots and fuzzy edges. My brain has been napping for so long, the world has taken on this look, and I'm scared it's permanent. Moments that may be exciting or joyful are tempered by this lens and I start to feel numb. Out of body. Looking at myself and others and life as if an observer, calmy noting the markers of the day.

7:00 am - Get up, excited for coffee, blast some music and dance around to get myself 'pumped' for the day.
7:30 am- Get dressed. Wear new shoes today. Yay.
8:00 am- Decide wheather it will be a Starbucks day today or not.
8:30 am- Get to work, check Facebook, Google blogger, and various other sites for a couple of hours.
10:30 am- Coffee break, a chance for my new shoes to go for a walk.
12:00pm- Lunch time- read my magazine and decide wheather I should ditch work for the afternoon or not.
12:00 - 4:00 pm- Either work from home (ie. watch a movie and keep email open) or go shopping/errands and hope that I don't get any emails- usually I don't.

And they pay me a ridiculous amount to do this. I just asked my boss for more work, and she kind of laughed. What kind of alternative universe is this? Fuzzy edges and all.

Also had a FML moment last night. Blind date, arrived early - where a very hot, very my type bartender served me a drink. We probably would have struck up a conversation, had my yucky, eventually obnoxious date not shown up.

Three things since my last post that have, surprisingly, made me happy:
1. Army & Navy Annual Shoe sale. THE premier sports event for shoe aficionados like myself. Momma got herself 6 new pairs of shoes. Yay!
2. Reuniting with friend I hooked up with who made it awkward for three months after. We had beers, talked philosophy, Ayn Rand- it was lovely.
3. Rediscovering how sticky green gets me motivated to clean house, and feel really good about it.

as the years pass

hopfeully crazy doesn't go off the rails.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk9rtgF5bsc

a lesson in contradictions

inspired by Walt Whitman

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes).

A lesson in self acceptance for me. I always beat myself up about my jekyll and hyde nature. But really, being one thing is boring. My 'other' sides create textures, interest, something that I need to learn to love and not loathe.

Being with my sister always reminds me of this, she is herself, no apologies, no questions. I admire her in so many ways because her confidence seems unshakeable. Of course this can't be true- we all have our vulnerabilities- but she forgives herself and 0thers, because she accepts how they are, not how she wishes them to be.

I'm learning lessons everyday. And this is the one I want to learn today.

Three things I'm grateful for since my last post:

1. Time with my sister. I swear it makes me a better person.

2. The sun is finally out, and I'm enjoying it.

3. Some time to relax at home and soak in the silence.

jolt me to life

I keep having fantasies about crashing my car. I'll be driving down the street, someone will turn in front of me, and I'll accelerate slightly. I tailgate on purpose, imagining that solid impact. The feeling of metal against metal and the reassurance that I won't be here forever. That things can be changed. That, with enough force, you can permanently change the shape of a seemingly indestructable piece of metal.

I have this fantasy for several reasons. I'm hoping the force might jolt me out of apathy, make me awake and alive- available for living my life. I'm just wandering through right now, sometimes I can't distinguish dreams and reality. The less I do, the less I want to do - it's a vicious cycle. I would hope that being in peril of losing my life, or my life as I know it, would force an intense re-evaluation of the status quo. Or what I accept to be status quo.

So right now, the only light through the fog, is those headlights, my unwavering optimism; and I pray they are real and that I have the courage to approach them head on. To crash into them and jolt me into life.

I haven't done three things in a long while. So here it goes:
1. The sunshine is finally out, and hopefully the scourge of this long winter is over.
2. The support of good friends at my graduate school rejection :(
3. That I will see my sister in two days.

bewildered

The sun beats down. Hades here. Beads of sweat drip down, into your eyes. You use your elbow to wipe it away, your hands occupied. Every muscle is tensed. This is the moment.

You pull. And white. Then red.

You wipe it away with your elbows again. Then your hands are freed and you look down. It's so hot you feel lightheaded, not present. You rub your eyes and look down again. Agitation about the scene in front of you builds. What just happened? Were you there? You look at the red on your hands. You rub your face again as if the action will bring you face to face to reality. But what you've made, what's in front of you right now- that's your reality.

And you wonder; 'how did I get here?'

i'm left a figment

in the dark, i remember that place. the cup the backs of your knees made for my caps. curled against your slight frame, my cheeks against your ribs, feeling your rythmic breathing. comforted in that place, i'd drift asleep, knowing, that in the morning, you'd turn. that slight crooked smile, a sliver of your teeth visible, but mostly- the look in your eyes. knowing, that i was real for you, and your nightmares were just. that.

i read it all in that look. and nothing at all.

because i believed, but never knew, when your belief would fail. would drift. into your nightmares. and i would be left. a figment.

that place still exists. the cup the backs of your knees made for my caps. it's real in my memories and always, just. that.