A&W and the Opera

This post is about time. How time speeds up and slows down, seemingly arbitrarily. It's quite apropos as my last blog post was ages ago. And why? I think there are lots of reasons. I'm happy. I'm surrounded by great family and friends who I want to live life with and writing out my thoughts doesn't really play into that as heavily anymore. And I'm really busy. This is the kind of busy where you forget to eat and have no food in your fridge. I feel like I've gone from bored out of my mind (i.e. extensive menu planning, online shopping and personal emails at work), to trying to find time to grab a coffee. I'm not complaining, mind you. I like it. I also like balance. I'm sure I'll get there.

Trying to find time to hang out with my guy can be a challenge too. He's busy just like me, and I think most nights we're exhausted, get (to our respective) homes late and just try to feed ourselves/vegetate on the couch. The last couple of days have been a banger (for both) and I was excited to receive free tickets to the Opera. He's never been and I kind of really like that kind of stuff. Thus goes the following scenario:

"What time does it start?"
"7:30"
"Urghhhhhh, yeah I think I can swing that. Can you pick me up from work?"

Then at 5:30 as I'm wrapping up my last meeting I text to find out where he's at. Might not be done till at least 7. I worry about eating (I know, I know, first world problems) cause I can't remember lunch and I'm starting to get hangry. End up grabbing him around 6:30 on the way home and, surprise surprise, no food to make in my fridge (there is ALWAYS beer though).

I collapse on my bed with a beer and can't be bothered to figure out a solution.

Tick tock. Show's gonna start soon. We're both hungry. What do we do?

A&W. Drive thru. In the car.

We end up only 10 minutes late.

I only fall asleep twice. Once because she took too long to die.

Best sleep of my life.

lucky girl

Every day, every minute, every time we're together, I realize how lucky I am to be able to be with someone who is more and more becoming my best buddy. This scares me. I want everything but nothing because, I'm so scared- what if I lose what becomes everything to me?

blue moon

The overwhelming feeling that a milestone has been met is pervading. Last year, around this time, I feel like I wasn’t making confident decisions. I was making decisions out of confusion, a need to try and get some perspective on where I should be going and what I should be doing. It just feels like a better place this year. I can see where things are going and I’m very comfortable with it. It doesn’t feel like a swirling, churning cycle of self-doubt where I second guess what I’m doing. On this blue moon, I want to count my lucky stars for the things that I am grateful for over the last year:

Great friends. Old and new.
I finally feel like I have girls (and some guys) in my life who are there for me, no matter what. And I really mean no matter what. I feel I can rely on them like a family. I feel closer to these people than ever and really trust and rely on them. It was a long road from high school to get here and it feels really good to finally have that support system and those people who you can just be yourself and have fun with.

A secure job.
Yeah- it’s not always the most exciting thing in the world, but my boss treats me like gold and gives me the luxury of actually living my life while pushing me and supporting me in succeeding professionally. Plus, I work with a great group of people who really make the bad days that much better.  

An adult life.
My house is a home. I have dinner parties there. I can have people over and it’s clean and I’m not embarrassed that I live like a college student. I like it there. I have great books. I can take off and go on vacation and come back to my home. I cook my own meals.  I go golfing. I head to the mountains for the weekend. I can take off for Vernon to ski or beach or bike. I have a bike that takes me to the bar. I have plants that aren’t dead.  I can have sex anywhere I want in my house, at any time. Ahhhhh. Finally.

A real relationship.
Isn’t easy. But also doesn’t leave me wondering ALL THE TIME what’s going on, giving me crazy anxiety. I’ve learned to share what I think or what I’m feeling, cause it’s not fair to make him guess. And he's so great about listening and talking it out. He doesn't make me feel like I'm crazy. I was always so worried they’d leave if I said anything. But he’s made me feel secure with what we have. That’s really nice.

I have a feeling this blue moon brings me to the cusp of an entirely new year, and I’m truly grateful for where I’m at. It was a rocky journey, but fingers crossed, this new year will be as fortuitous as the last one.

I was too happy. Content. Thinking I knew. I knew. What I wanted. What we were. I don't know if. That fragment. The naïveté I found in you, the coasting easygoing man, everything I thought I needed. Is?

on paper

In the midst of all the words, sentences, well placed adjectives

There was

Raw fear. Something cherished, without knowing.

The realization of how dear,

And how near,

you are.

Priceless right through fingers,

dropping right out of grasp.

Fear becomes desperate need.  To say, to tell, to share.

Ink drawn lines hold it down.

Once fleeting, fragile

made real.

what's life if you're not really living it?

"I have always lived violently, drunk hugely, eaten too much or not at all, slept around the clock or missed two nights sleep, worked too long and too hard in glory, or slobbed for a time in utter laziness. I’ve lifted, pulled, chopped, climbed, made love with joy and taken my hangovers as a consequence, not as a punishment."
- John Steinbeck

i'm not always the person I think I am

When you said I wasn't a high achiever, or didn't have those characteristics. It hurt. But with all your rational logic, there had to be a reason why. Maybe, I'm not the high achiever I perceived myself to be and maybe, I would perceive myself to be or feel the need to be that way and be completely insulted by that comment. I had to be. I need to beleive I am, it breaks all the ideology I've been raised with. In the wake of this conversation, I've thought alot about what you said. I know I'm flawed. Perceptions are such, we are still trying to see each other without those rose tinted glasses that make it so beautiful, but misleading. You said something about how you're not everything I think you are. I agree. I don't know. I'd love you to share those flaws with me. But that's the whole point. I want to know. And I don't know how long that will take, but I want to be able to say that I know, as fully as I can. I feel you hold back, and I know you want it to make sense to you too, but it leaves me wondering if there's more.  I want to do this right. In some ways, maybe I never wanted to be an over achiever. I just wanted to be happy. Whatever that means. And to me it doesn't necessarily mean succeeding in whatever sense over achieving is. I just felt that pressure. I guess I still do. The only self- hatred I have for myself is directly related to failure in that realm. Failure in being the person I think everyone wants/needs me to be. But that's reality. So I deal, with my denial. And I really like to hide. Hide from those expectations.  But I feel you do to, without ever directly telling me how you feel. I hope we can be more honest about who we really are and what we really want.

down in the mouth

my grandmother used to use this term. It's exactly how I'm feeling today.

shitty diamonds

It's been a rough ride lately. Challenging, frustrating, stressful but at the same time rewarding, affirming and, at moments, uplifting.

The shitty stuff:

• Wreaking my car (again!!)
• My guy's health problems. He's anxious, scared, nervous and generally not feeling well, which doesn't pair well with:
• A huge workload with my boss gone and lots of stress at work, resulting in less time to workout or see friends and more time drinking which I'm sure is not healthy and is consequently not making me look healthy. 
• Constant calls from jail. 
• A whole bunch of cavities and I'm TERRIFIED of the dentist 

The good stuff:

• Discovering how well I can do when I'm challenged at work
• A very supportive boss buying me a bottle of St. Germaine and a pass to Sled Island to show me his gratitude for a job well done while he's gone and giving me some time off to decompress. 
• Really honest talks with my guy about life things that are always learning experiences
• Reconnecting with old friends, having some great meals, great talks, great games of golf.
• Really supportive friends who I've been able to lean on and vent to and are very understanding about my absenteeism with our friendship and have even taken me for dinner, drove me around, lent me their cars, bought me tickets, bought me candy; willing to do anything to make my life a little easier. I'm beyond grateful.

...even after a fight

we hold hands when we sleep. our fingertips touch. he strokes my toes under the covers with his.

peaceful

It took me a while to get used to. Not having a nagging anxiety about ‘what was going on’ all the time. Because when you’re in a good relationship – which I’ve recently realized, I’ve NEVER been in – you don’t worry all the time. It’s so, peaceful, so calm. It takes a while to enjoy that feeling, because you wonder, at first, what you’re missing. You wonder if it’s a certain, spark or chemistry that might be missing that spurred all the rollercoaster emotions you used to associate with a relationship, with love even. It turns out, the ‘calm steady’ is even better than the sense of ‘passion and crazy emotion’, because, instead of being a crazy neurotic anxious person, you can just be yourself. You have more time for things you want to do and enjoy those things much more. You can be more in the moment, enjoying time with friends, because you’re not spending the whole time over-analyzing the last thing he said to extract the exact essence of what exact he MEANT. You free up so much mind space to take on more positive emotions and cultivate doing the things you love and the other relationships you need in your life. Instead of being all-consuming, relationships can be complimentary and enriching to your life. Who knew? I’m a thankful, lucky girl lately.

this one's for the girls

They’re the ones who know what you mean when you say something else. They can tell when you’re silently screaming, and bring over a bottle of wine or a hug, chocolate, eye candy, a joke when you most need it.  They listen to you bitch about that no-good bastard you keep taking back countless times, mostly without complaint, and solidarity in your misery. They’re your go-to when you need a date to that thing where you’re not sure if you can take your sort of boyfriend or can’t count that no-good bastard you keep taking back. They’re the ones who tell you you’re way out of line and irrational, even when you don’t want to hear it and handle your silent treatment until you realize what an idiot you were. They’re the ones who look on when you’re on the dancefloor in some sleeze joint making out with a guy who looks like a Jonas brother, but all you really want to do is make out, so they let it slide (and OF COURSE, tease you about it the next day). They’re the ones who don’t pretend they’re not with you even when you’re clumsily imitating your take on stripper moves on a table at the bar, at 9 p.m. They’re the ones who encourage you to go for what you want, even when getting there hurts. They’re the ones who you can cry to without feeling weak or pathetic. They’re the ones you count on, and when that job or that guy falls through, they’ll be there and they’ll help you pick up the pieces. They're the ones you count on more than you know.

stifled

Lately, I have some things I really want to say to people, but I can’t. I know ‘can’t’ sounds extreme, an excuse for being scared of what might happen once I say these things. And it’s true. I’m terrified. For two different reasons though.

With one, I’m terrified that saying anything might just make our relationship worse. Not because it would make them mad, but because they might accept what I’m saying, but nothing would result from the conversation in a way of change (which is what I would be looking for by even bringing up these matters). Then I would be disappointed. It would rot in me, and fester, because I said something, had that ‘critical conversation’, but nothing’s changed, there’s been no positive result. Probably no result at all, except resentment on both sides. On theirs for me bringing it up, and on mine from nothing happening.

With the other, I feel like we’ve reached a plateau. I need to know where we stand and from that, I would know what is okay to ask of them and what’s not. And I don’t think they think we need to have that conversation, I think they think what I need to know is implied. So then, it should be easy to ask, a weight off my shoulders to know. I guess I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and am not so confident that what I think and what they think is aligned. That the implication is not the same as what I think is implied. And then I would be crushed. Not sure I can’t handle that right now. But not sure I can handle not knowing….

anticipation

I'm getting laid tomorrow. This is not just a possibility, it's a guarantee. And trust me, I will be very upset if it doesn't happen. Why so much stock on doing it tomorrow? Because it's almost been 2 weeks. And I'm sorry to those who I've spoken to recently (surprisingly mostly guys) who like to remind me it's been 11 months, or 9 months or whatever. I've been out with these guys. It's their own fault. You don't talk to a girl and describe exactly how you'd bang her two minutes into the conversation. But this is beside the point. Because I am currently only sleeping with one person, as agreed to in a drunken late night conversation after a fit of jealousy made me look like a mean girl (which, trust me, I'm not). Anyways, when you're getting it on the regular, and really it's not the be all and end all, I swear, as contrary to this post as it seems, surprisingly I like to cuddle too, and hang out with the person who I like to bang (a lot). (I know, I know chetch time). It's just, I've been really stressed out lately, and that's one of my stress relievers, which means I've had to resort to other vices (drinking, smoking, eating lots of chocolate) which aren't as healthy as sex. So, with only 30 plus hours left to wait, my mind is a virtual porn movie. (I've only seen one, but I like to think about past (awesome) experiences and think about how great some variation on that would be). Denizens of the world, guess what? Girls really like sex. Most like it a lot.

i just googled: 'what to do if you're so neurotic you can't stand a delay in text message responses'.
awareness is the first step.

dirt collects in
my shoes
wind blows, gusts, swirls,
gritty on
my face.

the torrent disturbs
everything: little things; giant, grizzled
monoliths, but
storms of grime and filth
don't blow me over.
I've been here for too long.

i didn't even know what it was i needed

your words swayed me
your patience soothes me
you kindness surprises [a jaded girl like] me
your gentleness touches
me just
the way I need

the 'oh no no' list

Once, I broke up with someone because I couldn’t fathom letting him kiss me. I really liked him, loved hanging out with him, but I just couldn’t imagine that type of physical intimacy with him. That’s a deal-breaker. It’s not just a turn off, it’s the reason you wouldn’t want to be with them, sooner or later.

Last week, during my date and ditch, the 24 year old went on and on about how he didn’t have a job, or a home, or a car , etc… So naturally, I expected I would be paying for the beers we were drinking whilst he described how down and out he was. Surprisingly, he wanted to throw down half, and I let him. Then he told me his cousin lent him $100 so he could come out with me, and ‘we should get drunk’. Really? Then what? I would call this a deal breaker. However, it wouldn’t have been 5 years ago. I realized that some deal breakers I consider now were things I found endearing, or, at least, not worthy of dwelling on when I was younger. And some deal breakers I had when I was younger, are now, no longer relevant to the success or demise of a relationship.

The ‘oh no no’ list………

When I was younger:
Not cool/attractive
Small equipment

….not very many, that’s for sure.

Now:
Broke
Small equipment (like very very small)
Jealousy (I thought this was so cool when I was younger)
Addictions (I also thought this was so cool when I was younger)
Being homosexual
NEEDing me to fulfill something they lack/or think they lack
Having a relationship with someone else at the same time
No toilet paper in the house
Doesn’t own cleaning supplies
No sheets on his bed
Bad breath and/or body odor all the time
Thinks LMFAO are true musical geniuses
Cats
Extreme indecisiveness and/or laziness
Poor grammar (and there is a difference between abbreviating words for texting vs consistent spelling mistakes)
Still living with his parents or family member (unless he has a definite plan to move out ASAP)Only texts and can’t pick up the phone
Talks about money (either way, that he has a lot or not much at all)
Sketchers
A teenager (either really a teenager, or mentally a teenager)
Lack of ability to get places (i.e no whip)
Tattoo of his own face on his back and/or Steve-O’s face
Complete inability to get an erection
Has an STI.. and complete fear of going to the doctor
Eating disorder and/or food issues
Unlimited tanning pass

I sent a request from my wise girlfriends on their opinions on deal breakers and many of their ideas made it to the above list. Thanks ladies!

different

He’s totally different. I never noticed him at first. Of course. Why would I. I always look for the on with a wildly artistic temperament, usually a 'fixer upper' or the ougoing, smooth talking (usually asshole) one in the group. Which happened to be his roomate (who may not qualify for the asshole part). His roomate didn’t make it to the end of the night. I did. As did my junior high friend with whom, I’ve regrettably crossed the line with, and my ex who I will never not love, nor feel uncontrollable emotions for. I wanted, no, needed, to extricate myself from the situation at hand with the two latter parties, so I focused on him. Not sure how it happened, but we started making out, and it was all over for me. He took me home, and due to an early morning flight, I was gone several hours later. It was a one night stand as far as I was concerned. Every guy’s dream, non?

But somehow he found me on Facebook. A benign message asking me if I had made my flight and how was my Christmas in Antigua, led to lengthy missives (we’re now on Chapter 39) where I was aroused by his intelligence, impressed by his aptitiude for writing and weaving anecdotes into beautiful stories and intrigued, wanting to know more about this man. I still do. I’m still very much intrigued. I hope he is as much so with me. Let’s see what happens because this is totally different for me.

way past the smile

I should’ve never even agreed to go out with him. When I showed up at the pub we had designated – which was on the bus route, because he was sans ‘whip’- he said he was surprised I had even shown up. When we’d met, my colleague, who was also there at the time, said, “That’s the kind of guy you have fun with. Not a long term investment.” The 24 year old reminded me of every mistake I’ve made when choosing who to date. I quickly learned, as he was quite frank with me, that in addition to being ride-less, he was home-less, jobless and re-evaluating his dreams of becoming a pro-skateboarder post-severe knee injury. He adimitted, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. Then he smiled, that brillant, beautiful grin that I was attracted to in the first place. But I wasn’t dazzled. The things he had going on his life weren’t something I wanted to tackle anymore in mine. Or support, for that matter. I always saw the good in a ‘fixer-upper’ and tried to be supportive, and tirelessly so. This time, I wasn’t willing. Or, ever again for that matter. Not sure how to abbreviate the date after he told me it was, “The best time he’s had in 5 months.” I suggested a busier bar, which entailed more drinks, which most likely gave him the wrong impression. One beer in, he asked, “Can I sleep on your couch tonight? My friend’s parents [where he was temporarily staying] live in the suburbs and I have to take the bus home now if I’m going to make it.” I had no words. I have no words now. I panicked. My mind raced, wondering what I was going to do to get out of this situation. I told him I ‘wasn’t like that’ and ‘couldn’t do that’. He said, “okay, I hope you didn’t take that the wrong way”. Not sure which way one should take that question on a first date… He ran into some buddies and I frantically texted my bestie to ask what I should do. ‘Act really drunk starting now, go to the bathroom and sneak out the back door’. Something my over-willingess to be ‘nice’ to everyone would have never allowed me to fathom. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even sneak out the back door. He was chatting with his friends, I grabbed my bag, and walked out of the front door, flagged a cab and laid in the back seat for fear he’d see me leaving. Totally irrational, considering he’d notice I’d left the minute (or several minutes) he got back to the table. This is probably one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. I felt guilty for the first 12 hours, but old habits die hard, and obviously they don’t work in my case. So I did something wildly different. I bet – actually, I guarantee, I’m better off without that in my life.

left to remember, not relive

When you’re not around, I can forget. I can forget about how, when we were together, I felt understood but at the same time, I wanted you to know everything inside, even though I knew you did, without speaking. The intensity of that feeling never wavered, it just faded and so did the memory when you left. The moment I saw you that memory took my breath away, and the feeling came back like an explosion of bright lights in my brain. The reaction is physical. It’s visceral. I remember immediately. People around us notice - I can't hide it. I can't shake it. But I have to leave it. So I did right this time. I walked away as hard as it was. Better left for us to remember, not relive.

on friendship

I’ve always thought friendship was a two way street. Growing up, my sister and I were taught that you get in what you put out. I did have a friend who commented that I expect a lot from my friends, but she acknowledged that I expect a lot from myself too, so it seemed fair, that I should maybe be more patient and flexible with both. I’ve been working on it for a while now, and I feel I just let things go more easily. On Monday night, I wanted to accomplish all these things after work. Instead I downed half a bottle of wine and ate dinner in front of the TV, read my book in bed and was asleep by 9. Instead of beating myself up about it, I let it go. And with friends, sometimes it’s not worth it. If they can’t make it to your birthday or they can’t make it out one night, it doesn’t mean you’re not friends. There are some things though that need to be reciprocal, that have bothered me with some friends lately, and I decided to do an experiment. Instead of always planning, and asking them to do things all the time, I left it. Just to see if they’d reciprocate with an invite, or drop me a line to hang out. Guess what. They didn’t. It took almost a month. But I’ve decided (2012), that I’m not going to stress about it. It’s their choice what kind of friends we are (weekly, monthly, bi-monthly), and I’m not going to push it. I have friends who want to see me every week, or talk to me every day, and I’m not going to bend over backwards to try to organize everything all the time. Friendships are like relationships, and you have to be able to communicate and reciprocate. I believe that when something is bothering you, and bothering you enough, it’s worth it to get it out on the table. Some people would rather be passive aggressive about it, but I had no qualms, before Christmas, to tell a friend, that just because she had a boyfriend, I didn’t think it negated our friendship, nor was an excuse not to spend time on it. She may have disagreed. Boys seem to sometimes cause girls to re-evaluate their priorities. But I believe, if and, when relationships end, you should still have friends. And even more so, you need friends when you’re in a relationship. My girlfriend and I had this conversation just before Christmas, “Should your significant other be your be all end all and need to know everything about you?” Both of our answers were no, but I’ve been surprised to find many of my girlfriends, who I thought to be very independent ladies, get into a relationship and everything goes flying out the window in favor of him. I get it, I get the honeymoon phase, but everything in moderation, and sometimes learning to balance can be one of life’s greatest challenges. In favor of not killing every relationship with high expectations (2012), I’ve just chosen to put energy where it’s coming back to me, and that’s in those reciprocal relationships, where the other person puts in the same energy I choose to in relationships. It’s that simple.

false starts

2012. January. It’s that time of the year, where traditionally, people start reflecting on what they want the year to bring, what they want to accomplish, things they want to change. This post is not about that crap. I did have a resolution, and it was to be nicer. Not that I think I’m not a nice person, but I’m sure sometimes I’m a little too straightforward for people and I should try a little padding in my responses/I suck at flirting for this same reason. I would say I’ve been doing okay on this, except for the comment a co worker made on Friday after a conference call with some difficult clients where I ‘nicely’ had to ask for the same thing twice.

“How do you interact with your friends and you know, boyfriends?” he asked.

I didn’t even get into the boyfriend thing, because, as much as I am straightforward, I also like to avoid conflict and so basically, I have to work on communication, consciously. I also was told by a friend earlier this year, after she saw a text repartee between me and an ‘interest’, that I don’t know how to flirt. This could very well be true. The colleague told me I could take a page from his wife’s book on making a guy feel important, when really they’re not. “She runs the show, but makes me feel like I’m in charge,” he said. This seems slightly antiquated, but in truth all of these items seem to boil down to the same thing. I don’t put out the impression that I need anyone, and sometimes, people need to feel needed, or at least that you care enough to chat with them.

So the ‘interest’ turned out to be either incredibly stupid or mentally fucked. Either way I won’t be touching that with a ten foot pole (see, I’m learning!). He messaged me and then we started texting for the last two weeks, I asked him for beers finally, since he never seemed to be able to get there (just the tip please!) and he couldn’t make it but asked me to come to meet him at our local watering hole the next night. After making out for me and letting me know he’s been wanting to kiss me ever since he met me, he proceeded to talk to some other girl, then I told him I was leaving, he said he wanted to come, then he proceeded to be locked in a conversation with this girl until I left in disgust. The next day after I told him he was an idiot and a dick over text, he said; “It was great seeing you last night”. WHAT?

Then there was the guy I picked up on the street (redux guy in parking lot at Rose and Crown). Asking me why cool girls always fall for the emotionally unavailable idiots. He was right. It’s true. So true. I’m thinking false starts are just the start of my 2012 learning curve. It’s better than jumping into something destined to fail and mess you up for the chance to have a good start.